More Caring for The Caregiver
00:00:00 – 00:05:01
Today’s podcast is presented by pod. Go pod go is the easiest way for you to monetize your podcast providing podcasters with a flat rate for ad space. So you always know how much you get. When you include an ad from pago apply today to become a member and immediately be connected with advertisers that fit your audience. That’s pago dot co at the od. Go dot co and be sure to add fading memories in the. How did you hear about pugo section of the application as a new caregiver or one who has been caregiving a while. You’re going to hear how important it is to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself i. I’m sure like most people. You think your right. When am i supposed to do that. This suggestion comment and words of wisdom might actually add stress or anxiety what is already a challenging responsibility caregiver. Self care is such an important topic. This week’s is much longer than usual. I spoke to brandon taylor of the fear. It goes podcast on tons of topics for self care. Much of this conversation applies to everyone not just family caregivers. So take a few moments in share this episode with anybody. You know that could use a little bit a distressing in self care. This episode is brought to you by care giver. Chronicles an eight week online course from diagnosis through hospice for more information. Use the link in the show notes. Welcome to fading memories a support of podcast for those caring for a loved one memory. Loss my guest. Today is brandy taylor from the fear. It not podcast. She’s a hypnotherapist teaches meditation. And she here to talk to us today about all things personal caregiving. This applies to all of us not just to family caregivers. So join me in tuning in. And i hope you get a lot out of this episode. I’m talking about what health really is. And health is a plethora of things. It’s not just the physical. So in the beginning of the series i was talking about your physical state and the like i talk about the microbiome because i’ve studied it extensively for a long time. I rather obsessive obsessive about it. And i teach up form of kito Because it really does reduce all all the carbs. We should let me rephrase. I don’t like that word should is kind of a funny word. All the carbohydrates that aren’t necessarily functioning well in our bodies right so fruits and vegetables. There’s a big misunderstanding around the macro in general. So you know. I kind of talked about some of this stuff. The beginning and then they had a functional medicine practitioner. Come in so these guys are like the extreme of nutritionists but it’s awesome because they break down again. What is the healthiest diet for us. And and how do we function most optimally and he had a really nice little conversation. I talked to him forever. And then i did one on sugar and we talked about sugar in the body and i talk about sugar replacements and how to do that in a healthy way and where to find some of these things because some people are like with that they don’t even know right And then i actually just did one on caregivers because i refer to caregivers a little bit differently you’re using a very Literal sense of the word right. I am taking care of someone. I’m not getting paid for this. Necessarily right which is most of the case mostly cases for caregivers like this And they’re in a terminal illness or they require error like they have a disability or they require additional help. And i m dot help right so That that’s what you and. I will talk about today. But the caregiver i talked about was the role of caregiver and how we have all these roles within us but caregiver tends to play out most destructively or can let me rephrase it can play destructively caregivers. Some of the most amazing people. Because you’re so kind and so big hearted but they don’t know how to feed themselves and then that’s where it becomes really destructive to them right really really depleted and like the extent to which people do. This is mind boggling to me scary statistic.
00:05:01 – 00:10:04
Sixty five percent of caregivers are hospitalized or pass away before the person they’re carrying for right eighteen percent are the ones that pass away i to her breaking and that’s terrifying and when you’re taking care of somebody with a cognitive disability like alzheimer’s or dementia i mean it’s just it’s like you have no idea there’s no light at the end of the tunnel when you know there is one but like for me. We’ve been doing this for about twenty years. Yeah my mom is pretty much entered the late stages although she is still very verbal which is not always a good thing and she you know she’s starting to have troubles eating in she you know she’s losing other abilities which are a sign of the late stage but if somebody just saw a sitting outside on the bench chatting and she’s having one of her better days it’d be like oh no no she’s not later stages because she’s not forgetting words and she’s not forgetting language and i’m like well yes she actually is but it’s it’s just fascinating because everybody is so different while in its day to day well at dementia is such a. This is why i changed my diet. Actually and this is why. I talk about what i do because i read. Oh actually it goes back even before that. So i was certifying for designation back when i was in finance and and we had a guest speaker. Come in and she was talking about dementia specifically and she was talking about what it’s like in hospitals or in the care centres with dementia patients. And she’s got shivers and honestly it was like heart raking to hear these stories of these families who literally watch this person fade in front of them so from the family side which is horrendous. And then there’s the other side of the person who’s actually experiencing it and they are frustrated and angry because they know these are parts of something that was their life and they’re just grasping at anything they can remember anything and their life is slowly eroding in front of them and they know it and they can’t do a thing about it and my mom is not. She gets violently combative when you have to help her. This is new and it frustrates me because the staff where she lives will say how she was so easy. I don’t understand. I’m like yeah the onus well but she wasn’t an easy person issued very independent. Very you know this house is going to get done. She wasn’t a pushover. Or you know a wimp. Let’s not kind of turn. But she wasn’t a pushover. She was assertive and she and she knew what she wanted. She wanted it done. Yeah in so you know when somebody says we’re going to take a shower now. I mean she’s drawn blood on my husband and she’s drawn blood on caregivers and i tried to trimmer nails on monday. She decided to call me all sorts of names and tell me the drop dead and then proceed to try to scratch west off my hands. And i’m like no honey. We’re not going there so it’s hard to. She had control rate. All that stuff was able to control herself. And now someone else is saying you have no control over. What’s going on in your life. i you take it. And she’s like. I don’t want that i want to control this. Yeah it’s it’s. It’s hard. And i prefer not to medicate it right. We’re going to have to add like another medication because the the ceremonial which is supposed to help keep them calm is not working. Obviously she’s it scratching and screaming and swear and it’s pretty pretty unpleasant violent tendencies become more and more predominant as the disease progresses until they’ve kind of forget everything or get into that stage if they’re still around and then sometimes that violence will slowly taper off because they’re no longer no longer there that way they’re no longer that they are forgetting. Yeah that’s an interesting. I don’t know i. I have fears. Because she’s still very ambulatory. She does have arthritis in her hips. So that there are days when she probably has refused to take her medication that she has a lot of pain while she’s walking and so she doesn’t you know obviously you’re not gonna take her for a walk. Hurts steps right. But i have this fear of this woman wandering around muttering like zombie before she goes and i’ve i’ve talked. I’ve read a story article about. That’s exactly what happened to her dad. He was like obsessed with zombies as an adult person. And he he was verbal up until the day he died and walking but just not in any normal cuoco.
00:10:04 – 00:15:03
And so the we add psycho only so that one of the things that i know from talking to lots of caregivers the caregivers in my support group is one of the biggest tax is taking care of yourself and my mom is in memory care in. It’s still are days when it’s like you know monday. She was fighting with me tuesday. I’m in a workshop with alzheimer’s association in your and they’re calling me because moms being combative and oh maybe she should go to the doctor. It’s like oh hell no. I’m done with her doctor. That’s that’s another thing. I guess devastating. Yep finding a new doctor. You know getting her on palliative care through hospice company. That took care of my dad and getting different high capacity diapers instead of the depends. It’s like i have a lie and this is just from somebody who is whose family member is in a very good memory care residents so the people who are taking care of their loved ones at home. I have a past. Guest friend was in my support group. her dad goes to daycare four days a week. And she says you know. She knows that she needs to start exercising. She’s got a lot of pain in issues associated with aging and stress. And and she just can’t bring herself to do it. And i think part of it is with fro up mental barriers. Like you know. Well i gotta get. I gotta go to the gym. I gotta get in the car. I gotta walk the dog. It’s like if we could talk about that. Yeah i think that’s what we’re talking about today was what can we do when we’re essentially trapped at home with somebody who’s like. Why are we doing there. I don’t understand that’s my mother right you know. She told me the other day of the bathroom. Okay open the door sacred into the to the the public bathroom in the memory care. Why am i in here because you needed to use the bathroom. Oh so i go in here. Yes yes here yes. And then. she’s standing on the side of the toilet and she’s about to sit sideways. Which is not comfortable at all so i i have to pivot her and get her to shift over about two steps which. She wasn’t real thrilled with that she was. You could see it in her face. Why are you having me do this. Which you know that. I get frustrated and it shows on my face and she picks that up. This is where it’s really easy to trigger them. So i said okay now mike okay. Now go and she’s like you tells you might just take off your pants and go like. Why am i having like every step of the way i have to explain the the toilet because she’s kind of regressing in some ways back to childhood ray and it’s the week before i just had verbally talker this week. It was like no actually the pull off her pants knowing that she gets violent the week and next week might be. She’ll remember everything she’ll be fine. That’s the saddest part of dementia. Honestly that to me is the most terrifying disease and the interesting thing around dementia. So there’s a lot of research around dementia. And they’re starting to think that they’re like it’s diabetes type three. I’ve read that though. A lot of dementia is linked and prevention is linked for many many illnesses through diet. So my question is like i have a weird question as you’re sitting here talking about The care that they give her. And i’m wondering so. Are they giving her like omega threes to she take like a fair amount of those she coconut oil to sheet. Like what fast is she taking in that. Help feed the brain so that she can function better i. I don’t know about the fats but she does have the she gets supplements that i provide the promises. There’s certain medications she really needs. And one of them is really large and they. They can’t obviously while their pills. So the only way to give it to. Somebody would be the way you do it with a dog. And i don’t recommend that with the human especially my mother. Come on jed this down your throat you can do this just i mean i hate doing that with the dog but occasionally he gets on me and i just like no. You’re taking and i’m gonna win. There’s no way in heavens. I would do that with my poor mother. It would very bloody but she’ll she just refuses they’ll put it in her hand she just hangs onto it. You know this tight grip hand fist. And they’ll be like oh honey. You know you need. You need to take your medication and white man occasion and then they got like pointed out in her hand which is clenched titus tight fist.
00:15:03 – 00:20:01
And that’s one of the issues that we’ve dealt with lately is she’s refusing to take her medications and you know they can put them in yogurts and stuff but like literally one of these pills at least half inch long. It’s really big. I should say if they can elect the americas i take. they’re pretty. yeah. I’ve i’ve got a supplement that’s like you don’t wanna take two of them with everything else. ’cause they’re huge but you know i. I will drink enough water. The other thing with elderly and especially people with cognitive impairment as they don’t like i have to coax my mom into drinking like half a half a glass of tea or the juice that they provide which is low sugar She didn’t really like water. My mom in a lot of regular listeners of heard this by mommy’s to drink two liters a diet coke every day. Okay yeah so. Diet means aspartame almost always and aspar team creates aspartame poisoning coarsening creates lesions in the brain. Believe it and mimics. Ms interesting so some ms diagnosis have actually been aspartame poisoning. It’s fascinating the way that we fed ourselves. Not recognizing what we’re doing in the big picture. Yeah poisoning ourselves. That’s my biggest thing ourselves. My biggest challenges eliminating the artificial sweeteners cake girl. I’m working on it but okay so if it comes to things like steve. Kind of one of those ones that’s weird. It’s really good because it’s natural. it’s plant. I’ve grown it before. Stevia is very sweet on the front really bitter on the back. If you have too much. So i don’t like the Powder for stevia. I almost never used that But i will use drops and you can control it a lot more a us a little bit you test at your lake okay. So three drops is right for me or to sweeten whatever this is and and then it’s just normal. It’s just like a nice sweetness. it tastes right. And you’re not doing any harm to your body and it doesn’t hit your glycemic index at all. Oh episode of course. I just went to the health food store yesterday. But i’ll have to go back because i’ve tried the powdered stevia in t- in its look. I don’t like that either. Love me because i like splendor in my hot tea. But i like the pink stuff in ice tea bads okay so remember. The pink is got aspartame. So that’s bad. I know and and there’s a whole bunch of those artificial sweeteners that actually do. It’s funny because we think we’re doing something good and it’s like non-sugar but really what it’s doing is it’s tricking the body. So the body wants more. Like a doesn’t oh there’s so many problems with artificial sweeteners. So when you’re doing sweeteners trying go with like natural ones. As much as you can honey at least as decent properties. And if you’re gonna go with something like that but there’s sugar alcohols. Some of them are better than others and they all act differently. But a rith re tall specific. Okay so there’s one called xylitol great for your teeth. Lots of people know about it for their teeth. Because there’s xylitol candies and gums and things like that small doses of xylitol totally great larger doses of xylitol will kind of loosen you up. I have had that experience. I used to work next sugar. Free candy shops has that fact. So but xylitol blends can be great and arith- re tall does not touch. It gets digested in the stomach. Not absorbed through different means in the body. So it’s it acts very differently in the body erythritol to us. So you’ll see that when it comes to a lot of Newer sweeteners You’ll see a rich paul. As part of the blunt arith- retrial and monk for our great I like tall and stevia. Those also can work well. And then i also like arith- brutal and xylitol mix so if i’m baking doing stuff like that it’s pretty will almost a one to one ratio scrapes yet. Will i find them a little bit sweeter now. Because i take taken sugar out of my diet so i i use less but To make the switch is actually not hard at all because they taste so similar an act similar but they don’t act similar in the body. Your body doesn’t process them the same way at all so the glycemic hits are nothing in comparison to sugar. I’ll definitely go back tomorrow and find a better alternative. Because i haven’t found a good alternative. Which is why. I’m still using the bad stuff. But all i drink is water and tea so i i. Don’t drink sodas and don’t drink alcohol. I feel like okay. This is the one bad thing that i’m doing.
00:20:03 – 00:25:09
So i have a question to with your mom and electrolytes. So if she doesn’t like to drink right she’s not getting enough fluids and we need to be hydrated. You can get good. Hydration through electrolytes. And i’m not talking about not talking about. What is that stuff gatorade. That’s complete drunk but all the now haulers legislates nervous because it’s so anything is bright blue or bright orange. It’s like i don’t know about that race. Not a natural looking product there so if you’re getting hydrated well and her electric levels are high or or balanced She won’t require as much water or as much intake of those fluids should get some through her food too so Really look at getting electrolytes. And so what’s a natural electrolyte coconut water. If she likes that give it to her. She seemed we were surprised. She’ll be in the memory care for years this month. Meaning march since this february’s pretty much over. And because i mean literally when my sister and i were kids mom would have like a six inch glass of juice with breakfast and then once that was gone immediately port in the diet coke or in the winter chewed have hot tea and then once she had like one or two mugs of taty that would be the diet coke and she she during that stuff until she moved into the memory care and we were gonna put in like a mini fridge and stock up. Because i thought this was going to go through. Withdrawal is going to be ugly but moving in was ugly because we waited way too late but it has nothing to do with diet coke withdrawal but i think they’re all like that they have to coax them into drinking. You know four ounces of water you know. it’s it’s like trying to coax to your old eat broccoli. It’s really frustrating. I was lucky. Both my kids like broccoli show. Oh my daughter was much better vegetable eater than me and so i would try not to let her know that you know. Mom didn’t like broccoli. Or whatever. Because i didn’t want her to be like oh if mom doesn’t like it i’m not gonna eat it. Which fortunately she’s she’s good that way She likes stuff that’s cooked like i. I’ve now like. I like roasted brockway of ask through enough cycles of life that it’s like a roast broccoli has okay. I’m getting much better at my veggies. But my dad was a crappy eater he could have done a fried hamburger. Patty mashed potatoes and peas or corn. Every night for dinner for the rest of his life so when my mom tried to add variety or something healthy you know it was like just no. It wasn’t worth the constant argument. So there they would eat bologna and white bread american cheese face. This is interesting talking about him. Saying no and us digging our heels in about our diet rate. Whatever it is that we like to eat. Okay so i have a little secrets tell you. This is very interesting about how we function. So we have all these bacteria and got rate microbiome and we have trillions in and on us more than ourselves actually so we are very true symbiotic host these things and we will die before anything else without them so we need them now. These little guys are constantly telling us what they want so our cravings are linked to which ones are dominant in our gut. So if you’re craving okay so truth be told before i learned all this stuff. I’m pregnant with my first. I totally eat healthy right. That’s that was pretty normal for me. I always eaten a lot of fruits and vegetables. I’ve always had a pretty decent diet or so. I thought so. i won. Eat pretty healthy. I don’t create anything crazy. It’s just a good healthy pregnancy eating wise second one. I’m not kidding. It was so hard to not eat. Cinnamon buns baked food to not. All i crave was this was fired. Well and processed like white processed foods right so processed wheat well really mostly processed wheat and sugar so fascinating part of that though is that i didn’t realize this but my gut by him had shifted from pregnancy one two so depending on which bacterial strains are dominant will depend on what you crave they signal to you. Feed me. I want to stay here. So i’m the big one. I’m the big group at the party. I wanna stay here. So you’re gonna give me what i want so i’m going to tell you what to feed me so all i wanted to do was feed this this group of bacteria.
00:25:09 – 00:30:02
The you know this group of strains that were dominant now in my system because something had gone awry whatever it was. I don’t know because. I don’t normally have big shifts in a microbiome and less okay. Things like I take antibiotics because antibiotics will wipe them out Or some Digestive trauma and that will change it to so anyways it’s interesting because your cravings have everything to do with what you’re being told to eat when i was pregnant especially in the early stages when you’re queasy a lot yeah. My body wanted. Nice greasy cheeseburgers. Cheeseburgers made me feel better the day that i had why no raspberries was part of my breakfast. Not a good choice. Those games cheeseburger. Well you know thankfully have never had the issue of vomiting blood so when you vomit something. That’s bright red. Your first instinct is. Fortunately that is not what blood looks like. When you vomited up it is what looks like vomit up raspberries At my daughter’s always been a huge beef lover. So that’s kind of funny and the only time and i’m a huge sugar. It’s genetic i know it is my mom. My maternal grandfather grandfather did not think a meal was done till he had desert. Don’t like that covered breakfast But i used to live like that too. Why used fifty pounds. So i radically changed the way i eat and i mean i thought i ate healthy. I think i did. But i eat a lot healthier now. so there’s been like the last decade but just the other night. I texted my husband. And i said how about we have this Basically it’s free fried rice so instead of rice. It’s the frequent grain. I love riga. I find it tastes just like brown rice. And if it’s better for me i’m all i’m all about. But i’m like my body is telling me it wants veggies veggies with lunch and with dinner probably ninety five percent of the days his and i make my own breads. I do like my my vices. A little bit of sugar and then those nasty artificial things in my t. That’s my word to try something new so it’s good. It’s good i figure you know. Well something’s gonna get me but at least you know between i went from wayne. Two hundred and fifty pounds with a very large family history of diabetes on my dad’s side to not wayne two hundred fifty pounds and i exercise. And if i don’t exercise like five to six days a week. I start getting a little homicidal. Get a little bit hard to deal. It’s just interesting you know we. We’ve moved recently and so all we were doing walking the dogs last week. They got back on my bike. Holy hell that was rough. And it’s like we’re doing. Two three and four mile walks an elderly elderly dog with while no Are back leg. Arthur nerve arthritis there. You go and you know so. He can’t track as far as the one. That’s almost three. And then the middle one is five and a half so she’s got a little bit of onset arthritis so we can’t walk. You know five six miles. Which i don’t know if we got time but you know i had to change my whole workout at the beginning of the year because we moved what of our instructors moved. They changed times. The classes started as like a guy. But yeah getting back on. My bike was very painful like okay and then this week. I haven’t been able to do it. Because i’ve had stuff going on in the mornings when i normally ride with the group so gave my but time to recuperate certain no acids will help with the recovery on on working out too. That’s true we were gonna talk any it go ahead. So we’re we’re talking totally different stuff. So let’s talk caregivers well and all this is really important. But i talked to somebody about food and that was really fascinating. And it’s but it’s helpful to keep telling people you know. ’cause i i grew up not liking green veggies. Not liking most cooked veggies. I was kind of more of the peas and carrots and corn. And i’m in the san francisco bay area way out in the suburbs where we grow sweet corn so heavily.
00:30:02 – 00:35:02
I’m sure it’s it’s it’s white and it should. it’s so good and it’s so delicious wonderful. We’re eating tons of it. Ta- a bad resident tons of in than we have cherries lots of cherries. Those have a lot of sugar in them to Unfortunately we just moved. I had a lot of my own fruit trees and the fruit trees in this house aren’t old enough to produce any fruit so i’ll be walking to the farmers market in about a month when it opens up so i it is possible to shift from not eating the way we should to eating much closer to the way we should you. Just gotta do it in little steps. That’s how i lost the weight. That’s how i shifted. How i eat so it is possible so it’s always a good thing to tell people over and over again till they’re like fine. I give it and i’m gonna talk a part part of the hardest. I think the hardest thing for most people when it comes to shifting in life styles k. Is and i’m talking diet. lifestyles Is the concept around what we’ve been conditioned to believe right. And the cultural. Someone referred to this as the food pop culture and i was like. That’s a really interesting term. Is the food pop culture or the pop culture around food and what we believe is healthy and then what we discover is healthy. Like i’m writing an article right now about fats and omega threes and sixes specific. And what they do in the body and why. it’s so important to get more omega threes. Because the north american diet is producing with a typical like typical every day eats we have about a twenty five to one ratio in normal eating and it should be a four to one ratio so force four omega six is to one omega three and honestly if you can get more to the one to two or one to three ratio. You’re like laughing. You’re laughing because he may get threes. Do incredible things in your body and they governed so much and they make sure your adrenal. Glands are working in. Most people are running around with adrenal fatigue. I believe that and this guy that tyrod issues and those two like our hand in hand adrenals thyroid and literally just taking that supplement could make the world of difference cognitive awareness brain fog all these things are interacting with how much vats we got our brains have. Two thirds are two thirds fat. And we think that we need all this glucose we don’t we get absolutely enough fruits and vegetables like absolutely enough that’s true. I think it’s funny. If i have a really bad night’s sleep always takes one. I will wake up and my body’s like yo. How about a donut. Let’s go get some pastry come. I don’t eat that. I mean we moved. Like i said you know a couple of months ago and obviously you get doughnuts and coffee for the people that are helping you well. All of us are older. None of us need. Don’t so i got done holes and then i got. I think four regular dose because there’s only one flavor of the holes and i cut them up into thirds or quarters and i think i had one hole and one quarter of the donut the whole day and for a while or nobody was eating. And i’m like come on brick on the coffee at least have that. They did end up disappearing. But it’s like i you know when i wake up. I like savory breakfast eggs and whole wheat toast and that kind of stuff. Which i said i make myself and you know i mean if i eat. Junkie sugary stuff was going to be hungry in an hour. It’s pointless you know so. It’s just amazing fast. Because that’s a fast car. It’s not like that’s remember. I was saying the whole thing about macaroni and people. Just kind of like clump them. All in it’s a car but it’s a fad. It’s a protein but it’s not like that we have fast curbs and slow carps rate or complex carbs. We have An and then even inside those we have categories. And then you look at fats. And i’m looking at fast-growing there are multiple things you get from fats and the one. Yeah we know trans. Fats are bad but actually we just know. Transfer answer period. You don’t eat guts. But then there’s fats that are absolutely great for the body and why and it all has to do with like short short chain long chain medium chains. What they’re doing. How fast you’re absorbing whether the hitting the liver and they have to be processed that way or not like there’s a whole bunch of factors come into play and then same thing with your proteins. Are they cleaned proteins or junkie proteins. Like am i eating pounds of bacon. I love bacon. I love vacant. But i don’t eat it all the time have like. It’s highly processed two slices a week. Maybe three sometimes.
00:35:02 – 00:40:00
If we’re getting down to the end of the package they’ll be who on the place alumnae. Yeah to bacon a week is my max. And it’s the reduce sodium. Because right to sometimes i’ll have regular bacon. It’s like laugh too much. Salt totally agree totally agree to something. That’s too salty. They’re my brain’s like we need to balance that so please go lick the sugar bowl salter important in our body to some extent we absolutely need some as true and i just learned from this other gal that i talk to that and i just read an article on it too. It’s like so salt is obviously on the brain is Kosher salt is super super highly processed and we should skip it and then the salt. The comes in the blue round container is highly processed. Probably shouldn’t have that one either see want assault with all amounts of that. One aren’t so bad though. Because it’s i and i are sorry. Not ionized. it’s it’s it’s got aydin right and i dined. Supports your thyroid. Okay so we do need some just small amounts. I’m pretty sure that type of salt. Well then this one They’re talking about like more natural salts like the himalayan salt actually have the minerals in them. Mike okay right. Oh and there’s so many yummy like grace ulcer delicious. I’ve got a lavish salt here. A hawaiian lava salt. It’s delicious so we’re going to why june i’m gonna get me some of that. Oh it’s so good it’s okay and have a land salts are beautiful too. There’s great greats also there that absolutely have way more nutritional value. Because you’re getting your your so we just talked about macro fats proteins and carbs. But then there’s your micros and those are all your minerals And your vitamins and you need these things to function normal. So i know like i know. There’s a big thing on. Do we really need to take you know supplements essentially some yes. i’m no i take. Why take one for called. Menopause combo working great august. Tell you stupid name works great I mean the health food place there. The it’s called the health hut here in town. I went in five years ago five six years ago. And i said i like tyrel time and this They’re like you need this and it’s a money back guarantee. I mean it was like i didn’t even have to finish telling them what the issues were courses. Run by women so that helped And then i occasionally get Hormonal migraines even though as one of my past said fully paused and they gave me. what was it Oh fudgy was is taking fever. Few but i read an article where it said you know they the ground that we’re growing our food. I can eat organic and healthy. All all the farms around here and get the corn in the series. It’s not like all i every stuff. Well there’s tomatoes and the it’s interesting because one of the farms one year like odd years is corn tomatoes or vice versa. Can’t go. They switch out their field. That’s good. yeah that’s actually a good site. Yeah i mean. I don’t know if they should throw in a third one but yeah it’s not coronary or does every year but even doing that they soils depleted from all these vitamins and minerals that were. We’re not getting them in our food because they’re not getting it from the ground so yes. We need supplements regardless of how healthy we need. That was that was the article that made me say okay. Okay okay. i’ll take him. It’s funny because yes. There has been a lot of soil degration or radiation and a lot of that has do with using like commercial farming uses pesticides and And fertilizers rate so the soil. Often they’re not switching out their farms. They’re not tilling it back underneath. They’re not putting some of the stuff back in and so. The soil is degraded however there are certain supplements and it depends on where you live like. I’m in canada and vitamin d is an absolute and more people. Wander around here not realizing that. They need to take vitamin d. Because no matter what summer winter we still don’t get all of the d. that we need and d covers governs nine systems in the body. It’s super important that you take this or have this year and san francisco.
00:40:00 – 00:45:05
So i think you’re probably in the okay zone like the closer to the equator. You are the the more true sunlight. You’re really getting. And i think it’s twenty five minutes in the sun gives you fifteen minutes in the sun gives you twenty five thousand units of vitamin d. That’s a lot like your. Yes which says something about water bodies need right so i don’t take twenty five thousand years day but i do take six thousand units a day and when you look at there’s a d research facility. They are the leaders in what they researched in. Its down and it’s down in the us I watched a presentation by them. And it was great. And he was talking about d. And how these deficiencies show up. So d is one of those really have to supplement if you’re north of like probably mid. Us you should be supplementing and as you get higher up. You’re probably need a little bit more right. So and then collagen’s one of those things that we stop producing it at twenty five. That’s your skin. That’s your hair that’s your gut integrity like the lining of our intestines require a good college and base. This is why bone broth is so great. And why it’s so much about drink bone broth drink bone broth because it’s collagen heavy and it’s a way for you to absorb it well in the body or take take the powder or whatever but we stop at twenty five and by the time they’re thirty it’s on of really decent line right and then we hear about things called leaky gut and we’re like well. What the heck is that while. It’s your gut integrity you need to you need to reinforce your intestines and you you will be able to absorb your vitamins better and your minerals better and all the things that your food is actually giving you. So can you imagine even if your food was jam packed with everything you need it in your gut couldn’t absorb it. You’re just passing it. Anyways that makes sense was into in about vitamin d is two things when i get my mom. I like to take her outside for walks. Which i said. Now that’s getting a little more complicated but I guess i’m in california and were about to have another drought. ’cause it’s supposed to be like in the mid upper seventies today. Yeah february. yeah it’s we may end up with a cold damp march I’m not gonna bet on that one. You know climate change in everything. Usually we have drought every like four years. Four or five years we had twenty seventeen. Sixteen seventeen was pouring couple years ago. It was pouring. So it’s it’s all different but when my mom is outside in the sunshine you know and it could be indirect because you know for those people who aren’t watching a youtube video. I am very blonde and very pale and burn like i don’t tan the only way to tan. I learned years ago when i started my weight. Loss journey was I if i go out and lay out in the very early morning sun when the uv rays are really low. then i might tampa takes. You know it’s like slow building of ever going to be bronze e and that’s fine. I’ll just to pay. It’s better for me anyway. My mom seems to have like just a little bit more cognitive awareness Like she’s just like a little bit more on a little happier a little. She’s just a little better which is not really the best description. And then years ago. I read that you know. We’re so so hyper sensitive about sunburn and skin cancer and all that you see the parents to slathering their children with a sunscreen that we’re not absorbing the sunlight from the when. We’re outside now. When i go cycling i look at the uv index. And i i will go now in the summer a usually. We’ll ride fifteen twenty minutes. And then add sunscreen right now while i’m wearing long sleeves so it’s pointless sunscreen but it’s like even though i burn really easily i i. I’ve learned how to gauge. How much sunlight i i can deal with. Then i’ve on sunscreen so i don’t get burnt and it’s like going outside and ride my bike even though it hurt last week it is and it’s an we’re socializing so that it’s hitting all of the important things but it’s time consuming and i know i’m blessed because of my mom live with me. That would not be anything i would do going to. The gym would be a challenge. Okay so actually. Let’s talk about some things that caregivers can do in in situations like that. Were there at home. And they don’t have a lot of time and the ways that they can give self care to themselves so you just talked about biking rain and we’re talking about.
00:45:05 – 00:50:00
We’ve talked a lot around food and supplements and things like that. ’cause caring for your body so i talk about the by a lot and i’ve studied the binomial lot because i discovered how linked it is with the mind So our ability to be able to take stresses and manage those or be okay with those instead of having to manage them and you know and and just always being on edge or irritable or frustrated or overwhelmed has a lot to do with. Our diet is surprising what these little guys do for us. And i’m not kidding when i say this anxiety depression That constant stress has a lot to do with what we do in our body so we experience stress through a few ways. one of them is through food It and it can be one of our major stressors on a regular basis and then we have our environmental stresses and then we ever mental stresses. Whatever we’re thinking thinking thinking so It’s really important to kind of just be aware of what you’re doing. So i talk about food a lot but i mean i’m a mindset expert and i’m a hypnotherapist and i’ve done a lot of things that can help people but i seriously i think this is the first and foremost way to help people the best because you’re thinking will change with what you’re eating because all of a sudden i’m producing these great neurotransmitters that allow me to manage stress instead of being freaked out. I’m not thinking from the same space. I can take it. I can manage it better. But let’s talk on the other side. Okay so i’m a caregiver. And i’m in a space where i have very little time and i need to do things for myself. And honestly bubble basser. Nice bass actually are really interesting. Because water is very conducive to emotional. Release so showers and bows are actually an excellent place to kind of release emotions very interesting about water but but when it comes to self care this is us filling ourselves back up with things that light us up inside and caregivers are notorious for doing everything for other people that light them up or help them at the cost of dampening themselves. So you caregivers out there all you beautiful people. Such big hearts love you. There are few things you can do to help really quickly change states for yourself so when you get into these moments where things feel anxious or you’re feeling stressed out and overwhelmed breath. Work works really great so you can do a breath that will take you from your paris. Empathetic nervous system back into your sympathetic nervous system which changes your state of mind changes your state of body changes your heart rate and allows you to be a lot more creative problem solving solution finding and honestly at swear. We thrive right So takes out of our our back. Brain were primitive brain or protective mind. Whatever you wanna call it and moves us back into our frontal cortex so breath work and we do this this. I’m going to actually give you this. You’re going to take a breath. And i’m going to teach you a few a few things with us so bear with me. This breath is going to be account of slow breath it’s a diaphragm breath which means your ribs are moving. Outwards your breathing through your nose. And you’re pulling it through and your stomach should expand that’s diaphragm breath. We typically breathe very shallowly as a norm. It’s just what we do. This sets offer harrison pathetic nervous system more times than not just with our breath incredible rate and para sympathetic means fighter flight. I’m ready to go and your body’s state is completely changed so you can’t manage stress the same way. You’re not thinking the same way and your body’s not responding the same way. All do breath k. So we can change that just by taking some of these breasts so we take this deep diaphragm breath. Slow slow slow and we breathe in for a count of five. Hold it at the top for two to three seconds and then breathe out for a count to five. Hold it at the bottom for two to three seconds. And you do this for a minute. Two minutes you’re gonna notice a massive difference in the way that your body feels in the way that you feel the way that you’re thinking everything will shift wim.
00:50:00 – 00:55:02
Hof is the king so many guys so many people know this guy is the ice man but he’s all about breath and what you can do with breath and it’s amazing what we can do with breath we can. We can breasts that make us feel like we had a cup of coffee all with your breath interested. You can do the breath that i just described and i’m going to add one more piece to that suck but you can do that. And that’s a stabiliser so that’s your balancer breath and then you can do ones that will help you to sleep. And all of these require no cost no side effects no potential harm to you or cross side effects with something else. They cost you nothing. And they give you everything. And it’s a simple tool so the one other element i want to add to that breath is find. This is really connective to also changing your state of brain frequencies and that’s a whole different conversation to be had so we’re not going to go there but just know that this helps k. So any of you’ve practiced yoga in the past have probably heard about jaipur breathing. Gye breath is more of a constricted breath. You feel it more in the back of your throat. You get this more when you breathe through your nose. Do not do this for your mouth. You breathe through your nose and it you can hear it so if i do this i go like this. Can you hear that okay. Good can’t tell. I hear it to you but i’m not sure it could be just coming through me so you can hear your breath. And then you’re going to breathe out so if you breathe that way when you’re doing your diaphragm breath. You’re changing your physiological state. And you will it. It just helps so so well one simple tool so you can take a stressful moment. Comet right down within two minutes three minutes just some breath sets a balancing breath. ‘nother thing for you awesome caregivers often. You don’t know how to receive the gifts of love that life is given you right. ’cause yes giving so much and trust me. I have many many caregivers. I have worked with and many caregivers in my life. Beautiful people beautiful people but they are horrible receivers one that i am very in touch with right now. She’s a good friend of mine and heartbreaking. She just went through a really bad depression and this is really common with caregivers. And we were just talking about how they end up hospitalized or the end up dying before there’s reasons why because you’re taxing your body and you can’t receive Can’t receive all the great things that are coming with life because you’re giving so much so simple things like with her. She went through this depression. We’re talking about being able to receive and she’s like oh and literally affronted by like the conversation around. Can you receive love from your children. She because she loves her kids but she can’t receive it even from her kids and she recognizes us. It’s amazing she’s actually at this point now but she’s like like i said okay. Let’s try this. We’re gonna try something simple. And i said if you do a journal k. You’re going to write this. Because there’s there’s something that happens when you actually go into writing things you’re kind of touching all of your Emotional mental and heart space physical space. So it’s a it’s a really good practice anyways so you’re going to write three times. I am open to receiving love. Actually i said to her. I am loved or i am lovable. And she’s like oh. I can’t do that all right. I let’s meet you where you’re at and you say this but it’s amazing it’s amazing how far caregivers can go down this whole. So if you’re at this space where you’re really down down and you don’t feel you anymore. This is going to help you. You’re going to write this three times a day or you’re going to write three sentences the first day and it’s going to be wherever you’re at k. so i’m lovable. I am loved or if you’re not there yet startling lower which is where she started. ’cause i said okay. You can’t do that what can you. Why can’t you do. She said i could say. I am open to receiving love and i said okay. Let’s start there so you’re gonna write this three times first day the next you’re gonna ready for the next day you’re going to write a five and you’re going to add one on every day and after about two weeks you’ll be able to bump that up to a better statement instead of i am open to receiving this.
00:55:02 – 01:00:00
I am receiving this. Or i am accepting this or i take this embrace this or you start to use more and more of getting to the point where you recognize that you are loved and totally supported with all the things around you in your life so the whole concept around i am loved. This is truly an epidemic in our world. We believe we are only enough when you’re good enough. If you get these greats you are worthy enough if you get into that school or you get that job and you are loves if you do this and this and this but if you don’t do this it’s not it’s conditional that’s true. We’re conditioned to believe that love is conditional and it’s not and when we come. From space of complete wholeness within ourselves there were overflowing and the whole concept of caregiving is. An biproduct is a product of us. Because we can’t help it we just overflow and it’s easy so giving back to ourselves is absolutely crucial. The journal is an excellent way to start depending on where you’re at and if you’re not feeling loved start telling yourself how frigging amazing you are because you are and you always were and there is never ever been a moment that you weren’t and even when you make what we consider to be mistakes in these colossal whatever’s there’s other things playing out and not know that it’s not just about these conditions and the judgements that were placing case. There’s tools breathing really good one now. I said okay. I have two kids. I run a business. I have a busy life. And it got to a point where i loved yoga but a classes an hour and a half long and i had to drive there and then i had to drive home. So that’s over two hours of my time. And how much of that can i give. And when you’re starting a business. Which is what i was doing when i i stopped doing that i was like. I don’t even have time to do this. So all of a sudden workouts went out the window. And i went. Oh this isn’t okay. I need to move this body. So how many get this in really efficient ways to get workouts then so i do now. ’cause again this works very nicely with the way i eat and feed my body but i do work oats. Now that are called hit or tabatha or you do. I love them because because they basically work you to fatigue right you just go hodge to fatigue and then you’re done but they’re really quick. There are way too absolutely replenish. It sounds so funny because you’re using lots of energy right but within a very short period of time that energy is compounding in you and giving you back what you need those workloads will help you like no one’s business and you can start it easier and there’s always modifications always modifications when you’re starting something new and i’m talking to a friend of mine. Whose daughter is a personal trainer. And i love her. Love his family. And we’re talking about hitting tabatha last night and she’s like yeah but when you get older it’s really important to do weight bearing and i said yes but your body is weight bearing and hit and about a us body. Lease your body and as you progress. You’re putting more and more of your own body weight into the work and trust me. That is enough weight bearing on your bones and joints and muscles to build to stay active to stay healthy and to move the energy around your body so really effective workouts again. Do the modifications in the beginning of this is new to you. And if you’re really really early in this stretching breathing all his stuff will help again. Move energy through your body. Which is what you need. You absolutely need to move energy around your body and that doesn’t mean like rushing around like a crazy person. Scott knows not that it feels like that sometimes. Like i worked out today. I read a down the stairs. Fifteen times and i did this and i did that because you’re busy. It’s not the same. So an again. Bows i will say. There’s something to be said about taking a bath. If you can take that time to just quiet yourself down and be in that moment right okay and then. Last week came home from the bike. Ride on friday so i wrote on wednesday. Young body was screaming at me. I did my normal thursday workout. Which is we do. Tomatoes net class.
01:00:00 – 01:05:01
It’s cardio m weight training and friday. I did another bike. Ride my but was really screaming at me and i came home and i i just i throw on some comfortable clothes. Had some food. And then i worked at about four thirty. Was supposed to have get to know your phone call with a gal. She had texted me and she’d had emergency with a client of hers. And i’m like that’s perfect two minutes later i’m soaking in the tub because i’m like like my muscles are all screaming at me and i’m tired because i haven’t put this much effort into exercise mean. We’ve been walking dogs and unpacking boxes. Which you think is enough and then you go back to what you were doing. You’re like whoa way out. But you’re using different muscle groups to right. Yeah well. I needed to the bike muscles. But i really do enjoy that. And what’s the best thing is. We moved from the top of a hill. That was absolute hell to get up mean the only way the only time it wasn’t hell is if you wrote down from house to the bottom of the hill toronto backup steep and you know. I am not super skinny. Just you know it was hell so now i live in the flatlands and it was like. I’m so glad. I don’t have to get up that hill to get home because i’m not going to build a write up that bill right now so it was you know just i knew that i just i needed to get work on and then it was like. Here’s my reward soaked in the tub for close to an hour. I listen i had like a just a silly. Tv show on my ipad sitting on the counter and just That was what i did and it worked great and then you know it helps that i find. I need the exercise to move the negative feelings through you know absolutely you know i try i to walk with my mom but because of her busy processing shouldn’t add any peripheral visits so she walks behind me. Well she’s starting to be more frail with arthritis since she’s she fell. On december thirtieth. So i i really really don’t want her walking behind me. So this is how i triggered. Her was insisting that we link elbows. No and i didn’t hold her tightly because i knew that annoy annoying and even just that loose elbow to arm contact was too much for her just pissed off after. That’s why she told me to drop dead in. sometimes. I can laugh at that but times. You can’t yeah. i think. I’d like i said i know when i it was interesting to have this negative visit with her on monday and then media. That was monday afternoon immediately. Go into a workshop. With the alzheimer’s association in the first hour was on communication and it was like. There’s all the things i did wrong and i knew when i learning. Yeah it’s like. This is what i tell people. Here’s my challenge. It’s like you know. I’m not visiting her so that she can trail. You know twenty feet behind me. That’s not why i’m their guests. The walk is good for both of us but a lot of the traditional communication techniques. They don’t work with her like we have to be really different is the is my challenge. So i’m i’m learning and it’s fun. It’s good for my brain to keep processing all these situations. And of course i think i have. It dialed in than she changes. And it’s like so much fun but you know. I’m trying to keep her safe and do things that give her pleasure. No go to the park and watch children which people laugh at because we’re like creepy old ladies go park and we like to go to the pool and watch the little children to. I’m sounds funny. It is it’s and i have to be careful. I say that too because some people then look at me like you’re gonna do one. I had one person say well. At least it’s you you you and your mom not to guys right well. Yeah but you know. I’ve had one instance where this lady haddow. School aged child in a baby in a stroller. Imams sat down one end of the bench. And i don’t know if she was making space for us or by mom mater nervous but she moved to a whole different bench. And i was like okay. I was a first but least two made space for me to sit there so you know that the there was a win. I was like you know. I looked at it. I thought man. I hope you don’t ever have to deal with this because you think dealing with two little kids is tough. That’s nothin’ this is much harder.
01:05:02 – 01:10:04
And then i just thought well maybe she got up in a mentally thought the negative thought and then immediately said no. Let’s move into the positive thoughts and it was. It was a beautiful afternoon warm. Little bit of win. I just literally put my hand on the back of the bench. Watch the trees blowing watch. Beautiful sky felt the sun on my face and it was just like you know. That’s where i kind of try to fill up his. She’s watching the children. I could care less because my daughter’s twenty eight. It’s like you only watch them slide down the slide enough times where it’s like okay. I’m bored now. So i try to take that outdoor time with her to help energize me kind of fill up my tank. But she’s heard him seeing go ahead. Go ahead sorry when she trails behind me like some whooped little old lady you know third third world person behind me or you know. She’s arguing with me. Because i’m trying to you know. Keep your next to me. Or whatever whenever sets her off. It’s it’s hard to enjoy nature when she’s being that way. What you said was really great about the. This is how. I am re-energizing myself. When i look up at the sky is blue the trees the the leaves are moving. You’re picking up senses so as you’re saying this that’s another great way to feed ourselves recognize what sensor being triggered in those moments recognize. I am seeing this. I am hearing this. I am feeling this. Recognize your body and acknowledge and appreciate it love for what it’s doing. In that moment you did some really great. That’s a really great way to actually To replenish ourselves as to move into the embodiment of the moment and really appreciate the moment. It’s funny when i think about gratitude and what gratitude is so a ton of physiological responses that we have in gratuitous state like oh my god. Twelve hundred of them actually online shocking. What happens when we’re in a gratuitous state but we’re joyful right and that’s us feeling light and really great an loving so it’s another great practice is to be able to find the things you’re grateful for in that moment so you guys were in the walk. You got to appreciate the things around you. now. I’m going to put one on you camera ready. So what could you find an. I’m going to use to things with us. What could you find. That would be something in the moment with your mom. That’s feels not so much like a gift right. She’s walking behind you it. She’s getting angry. She’s frustrated with you even touching her arm. What can you find in that moment. That you can be grateful for That’s a challenge. But it’s a good challenge. Because the more you do this the more you’re gonna find more you’re gonna find the easier it is to fill yourself up so there’s that and then for the things that you’re struggling with again. I’m going to go back to the journal because a lot can be done through journaling Right out the things at the end of the day when you have these visits or if you’re in this every single day right out the things in journal that were frustrating and allow them to go like. That’s you’re dumping zone so my One of my old assistance. She was wonderful she was also an emt. She saw some horrific things and they experienced some serious traumas themselves. They are very much like caregivers from that respect that they experienced a lot of burnout which their job is really stressful at times can be really rewarding but also extremely stressful so for her one of the tool she used was journaling and so she dump it all at the end of the day she just right out all the stuff that she was feeling and and didn’t like or or the things that she was grateful for whatever she just dump it all in her journal and what a difference it made between burnout and feeling okay every time she got a call or feeling stressed out and being okay every time she got a call and had to go out on call right. So it’s it’s a really powerful tool surprisingly using a journal to be able to unload some of our emotional baggage that were holding onto. Why haven’t interesting project that. I started the very beginning of this year january. First twenty twenty i. I’m a podcast addict. it’s because my brain is constantly. it’s like. I cannot do meditation because i can’t shut my brain off.
01:10:04 – 01:15:02
Just i would challenge you on that because i teach it. Okay i have. Anybody can do it. I heard techniques that. I’m going to try but literally. Yeah i mean. I sit there at about fifteen twenty seconds of trying to have this nothing in my brain dead. But that’s not meditation by the way getting nothing in your brain. I hate to tell you but if anyone gets the point were nothing’s going through there. I don’t even know that’s not true. I think it’s dead but maybe or you’re sleeping. Yeah but it’s like. I’m a podcast addict. I have read some some techniques. And i gotta find the book. That’s basically meditation. It’s not meditation for dummies. But it’s like the one minute meditation or something anyway. So i’m listening to a podcast and they’re talking about postcards and i think my audience is probably old enough that they know what a postcard is pick trauma here a tiny little bit of words on the back and to grow the podcast into a business obviously is of social media so i do a lot of instagram stories and videos in little pictures of things with mom and things with my three dogs and brother and when they’re talking about postcards my brain clicked the two things together and went man. Social media is like your personal life everyday story which you’re not keeping it in one place. So i have like this six by nine to sketchbook and i take I’m also photographer. So it makes us a little bit easier. I at the end of the week. Find four five six pictures that i’ve done or i might think oh. This would be good for my little book. So my little book is a tiny little journal with a photograph and a description of what i did like not the whole day. But it’s like here’s my daily life you know. We walked the dogs or we are moving. Here’s a picture of the donuts and coffee that i bought when we were moving. Here’s my mom being obnoxious in. It’s just it’s because regular photo journals. Scrapbooks are holidays in the big events in the vacation but how about like daily stuff like the day that we got the acoustical panels built from ice. My she studios they call it now. It’s like they’re all from art. They’re all photographs. That i i took and you know. One of them is a barn. That was over one hundred years old that burned down in one of our lovely fall. Fires california gets now. So it’s like there’s a lot of rich history in just your boring everyday stuff. Oh but there’s so much beauty and i. It’s i started january first. And i’ve read back through Man this is actually kind of interesting. I don’t have a boring life and you can kind of appreciate like i look back like It was a. There’s one where now that this happened on new year’s eve but my was to struggling to eat and i kept obviously astra too many times we’ve got on the twenty third of december to the assisted livings dining room so we go in the car round the building get out at the assisted living side of the community. She lives in we. They’re dying room with you know. She has no clue how far we’ve driven and it’s convenient and thankfully i did it on christmas new year’s eve because turned into a whole horrible nightmare so she was. We got on the twentieth of december. She ate little hamburger barely enough food for me. It’s very portion control. Helps keep my calorie count down in. It’s all she needs so she was struggling to eat the hamburger. I’m like okay while next time. We’ll try something. That actually uses utensils. So i got her something that thought. She could scoop with the spoon while we had more trouble with that. And so i’m like you know like if that’s just too much problem mike. Let’s just get you something else. It’s no big deal. If she just sh- what would happen as she. Scoop stuff up. It would fall on the table. And then she has what. I personally call alzheimer’s ocd. Because it’s like fuss fuss fuss and wipe the table. Why table wet. The table wiped the table. Whip the table. Wipe you might be and it’s like okay one noodle that hit the table. Now you’ve been doing this for so i kept saying you know because she wasn’t getting enough nutrients it i mean it’s it was a tiny little amount of food and she barely eight a fourth because she was struggling so hard so one of these pictures is literally. She finally got fed up with me. She’s got a cloth napkin. She put her hand to her head and she’s got her head turned away from its. She’s like just the funniest thing. I posted that on social media for those that are actually just listening watching youtube channel. You know it you could just tell you can just feel the anri.
01:15:03 – 01:20:00
I’m done with you attitude. She’s literally shielding you. She’s like kenan her head. I’m done yeah it was it was all bad and then it got actually got worse from there because i think i think she said well. I’m ready to go back to my room. Okay and so i. I tried to help her. You get up outta the chair not help help but have like offer help. Yep whoops nope. That wasn’t a front and she literally. I’m trying to help her. I’m holding her jacket like my mom cannot accept you know. She cannot accept. Being loved are receiving she not receiving any of this stuff is very Some holding her jacket so that she can put it on. And i have learned the technique where you put your arm through the slave. And you’re sticking your hand and then you just pulled up arm through the slain up pull it hard but yup makes it so much easier than trying to like shove this works with little kids to yes it does. She’s finding me and i’m like is like basically dumped jack the rest of it over her shoulders. I’m like okay. Okay if she stops off in a huff and this poor gal that she’s got to be in her eighties. She’s the activities director at the assisted. Living science. she comes over. She belong over there in memory. Care and i’m like yes. We’re going well. Do you want me to get somebody over there to help you know. Because she’s already pissed off she’s not gonna want somebody helping which maybe other people might have been okay. I don’t know this poor old lady had to help my mother into my car because my mother would not deal with me was all ugly. But i have that picture of her with the napkin up by face. Yup and i wrote the story. And i know you. Now it’s only been two months and already look at back at it differently. But i read through the book the other day. It’s like you know there’s a lot of like just rich details in your daily life like we just moved in. And i’m making bread and my new kitchen. We’ve been here for as i’m making bread gay and it smells game. God challenge and you work at home is throw something in the slow cooker or the bread and the bread maker and like that he had just like. Why am i hungry because smelling this food our willingness. Yeah so it’s it. I think journaling is really. It could be helpful. And i’m gonna try writing that down but i. I had a good experience this morning. I was photographing. I went from the house. We had had a studio attached. And i have to go back to the on location which is reviving those skills which is good for your brain but kind of a pain in the butt this past client. If known her for zillion years. She knows my grandmother who’s almost one hundred and two and she asked me how much and i told her she goes. Oh that’s a really good deal. Which at that point. I’m like earth so giving her the new price invoice. And i said you know you’ve been such a good longtime client. I’m giving you the old price and she goes. What’s the new price you’re so worth it. I’m like oh okay. And i totally do. I told her the new price only thirty dollars. Difference son huge deal and she goes trista worth it. And i said thank you. It’s like i you know when we tried to downplay. It’s really. I find it like when you accept compliment like it smile. Say thank you now. You’re getting your day better and their day better okay. It’s so funny that you say that. Because i’m thinking about what you said about your video journaling and i’m like that lights you up. That’s a way we replenish right. The things that light us up things that make us happy some people. It’s dancing some people. It’s singing some people it’s some people it’s reading whatever it is whatever lights you up do it do it do more of it even if you do in a small little increments but what you just said about. Thank you so my friend. That is struggling right. That said do this journal. Thank you was one of them because okay so when we’re not receiving well it’s one of the first things it’s one of the first things we do. Oh thank someone says. Oh your hair looks really great. Looks terrible i had this done and you know Ah i slept on it. It’s sticking up whatever stupid stuff we say right or oh you. Did you lose some weight. You look great not dress. Oh i got this on sale. We just brush it off. We brush it off. We’re not accepting at all so in those moments. Just shut up shut up. Just say thank you and don’t say anything else. Just say thank you. It’s the beginning of learning to receive so beginning. The first step is like the baby step. But it’s amazing the impact.
01:20:00 – 01:25:07
It has once you get used to saying thank you. It’s like oh. I actually really do appreciate that comment. So the weirdest thing happened when i was The kids were pretty young. And i was in postpartum. Didn’t know it and for me. Postpartum meant adrenal fatigue. Actually my adrenals were kind of really in a lot of trouble. And i wasn’t managing stress at all so i would just get really upset or really like irritable or i just wasn’t okay. The way things were happening. So i’m dropping the kids off at a birthday party and literally just out of the vehicle and coming around the other side and matt and i’m about to drop them off at a party should be happy. Getting rid of. I should be happy right. And i love my kids. I love my boys. They’re amazing little people. We went through some interesting times when they were young And part of that was my own awareness but be part of that was my own awareness but So this i’m about to open the door and this guy young younger probably like fifteen years younger stops me tops me on the shoulder and he says i just want you to know your beautiful and then he walked away and i didn’t see it as like you’re pretty. It was like he looked right into me. Stopped me to say hey. Hey this isn’t about this crazy moment that you feel is you know everything in chaos or whatever we’re experiencing in our external world it was like he stopped me to remind me of who i am inside right. The the whole me the authentic self. So he says this. And i’m not kidding. I still talk about this. I’ve written about this incident because it’s so profound. It was a random act of kindness. First of all one of the nicest things a complete stranger as ever done for me ever. I’ve had some really interesting. Things happened in my life but that’s probably one of the most significant ones. It costs absolutely nothing. Well i could see people being like what’s especially as like excu. What’s the intent. Yes like you just walked away. He didn’t give you time to like give him the third degree or any of that right so it but it gave me an opportunity to course correct right in that moment of like. I’m mad about open the door to get my kids out and it literally changed all of that in a snap. He replenished me with a kind of like an act of kindness so the ways that we can give that also help feed us too right so now i find myself. I’ll be at the grocery store. Actually this was a very interesting incident recently about the grocery store and it’s busy and this poor cashier. She’s putting people through as fast as you can but it’s like it’s busy and people are like cranky and whatever so the first person that goes through. I’m three people in line like to in front of me and then me and then there’s more behind me and anyways First person doesn’t even look at her doesn’t even acknowledge her doesn’t nothing that’s weird. Hey first person. Second person is like bee-keeping at her like just kind of. I don’t wanna say abusive ’cause they weren’t but they were just not nice. They’re just not nice to her at all. And its whatever’s going on in that person’s day rate they’re experiencing some garbage and so they’re just dumping it out on them right. They were hungry angry right and just dumping it on the cashier. So i’m looking at her. And i’m thinking to myself this poor woman and you can just see like everything about her. Shoulders are slumped in a bit like her demeanor is showing the weight of this day. Probably like i looked when i got around that vehicle right and so i i look at her name tag. And i’m like hi. Julia or whatever name was. And how are you today. How’s your day going. You’ve been doing such a great job. I just wanna say thank you for getting through as fast as you can. And seriously her whole body just went like this. She just like open rate up. She lit up like her face changed. Everything about her changed in that moment one. Someone recognized her as a person right. She’s got acknowledged. How often do we get acknowledged in a day. Sometimes not at all and you caregivers are giving often in a place where the person that you’re giving to is not appreciative There’s no acknowledgment there right. So for her dot acknowledgement in itself was probably but then just being able to recognize these human asking her about her day complimenting her giving her what she needed in that moment also fed me.
01:25:08 – 01:30:02
I got something from that. Because i recognized what that did to her for her right so i’m able to. I’m to receive something incredible through something. I do for someone else now. You caregivers are always giving for someone else but recognize when you can do this in a way. That actually replenishes. U2 write simple little things like saying hi. How’s your day to the person in line in front of you or Or being able to receive those moments when someone says we were things to you on the street like high or makes contact with you. And you’re like. Oh god i can’t look dot with them. Who are you and what’s wrong with you right. People are trying to connect with you. It’s okay to make eye contact. It’s funny ’cause. I’ve the more ideal with my mom and senior citizens. Elderly i find myself smiling at p. Especially older people by the grocery store that we shop at. It’s basically right in the middle of all of the retirement neighborhoods and there are certain our i don’t go. There’s the mom’s picking up the kids from school and then there’s the grumpy senior citizen and there’s time god forbid when the two of those meat it’s just like all hell i had. Yeah it’s like. I don’t know how those cashiers get through that ’cause you know it’s like screaming little kids. They’re grumpy old people. But i just find you know. Sometimes you could see somebody walking down the street and you being a photographer. I’m always looking at people like. Oh what have to analyze somebody to know how to photograph them hampshire the moment exactly or just photograph them in the best way i. When i didn’t pictures of myself. I can always tell. Oh that’s not the best angle because face looks wider. And so i’m always looking at people because they’re interesting and it used to be when they catch me looking at him. I look away. Like i was doing something wrong. Just looking at you like your outfit or your hair looks interesting. Whatever now smile at them and it’s like even if they just look at me like why is she smiling at me. I get this weird face. I still feel better. And most of the time people bagging. They smile. I think it’s reflective reflexive. Has you smile at the lay smile back. And then maybe as they pass your on my spine But you know what else happens to. They smile back at you and not actually like lightens you up. So even though they don’t recognize that. Oh who’s that weird chick for that second for that moment for that just brief moment you did something that helped them raise them up awesome. Yeah it’s just a little smile. I’m gonna have to take my mom to places where more people are. Because that it’ll be maybe they’ll be more people to smile. It’ll be easier to deal with her. I might be might be thought. It’s just yeah it’s it’s interesting as being unappreciated and not being treated like an adult. I think is one of the problems with people like my mom and it’s not that they don’t treat them like an adult they do but when you have no idea how to shower yourself somebody has to do it for you a couple of times or if you need somebody to help address now. Obviously that’s what you have to do with little children. Not with somebody who seventy seven or eighty seven right and so when a think on those things and see if there’s a way of shifting my mom’s attitude towards receiving help in a positive way something interesting to as you’re talking about this again. I just i can’t help but see both sides so i can recognize the absolute frustration because there. It feels like they don’t appreciate you and you you you’re giving it’s hard when someone gives to you and you don’t receive it. Sorry when someone is giving something and the gift is not received right it. That’s hard on the person that is giving the gift it is because they think something’s wrong with them. There’s nothing wrong with you. What’s interesting beautiful. human being. you thank you. It’s interesting. Because i used to my mom’s been in the memory care for three years. I’d be like now i. I do go on a monday afternoon. But i would here. Oh yeah so. And so’s family. They’re hardly ever hear like this. Is your mother. Why the sucks mainali. I don’t wanna come here every week but do you know. My husband’s like on monday was like she’s being physically abusive. Why are you going every week. And i’m like right now. I don’t have that answer. Other than jude. My mother and that’s what i should be doing. You’d like duty. That’s not not really a positive answer.
01:30:02 – 01:35:05
So make get back to you on that one which i still haven’t really come up with a sense of responsibility though. Yeah i mean you know you pay very good money for these places but she still family. I don’t know that’s a really tough question to answer. But when i was growing up we talking about you know conditional love. I never felt like anything i ever did was good enough. You you get a b plus on test. Why didn’t you get an a. You’re taking four classes in college and getting a b. plus average wire doing five. Or you’re you’re doing the It’s just i could. I could have you know. Swam the fastest race in the swim team. And it still an. It’s like that’s just how my parents were. And i don’t know why away and i i see it. It’s actually a struggle. I have with my husband because do things and they’ll be like. Oh i feel like whatever i do for you is not enough and it’s like there’s a theme in my life so when i visit my mom and i’m giving and i’m doing things for her and it’s like lady one you visit your mother once week much less go once a month so i try to remind myself that i am doing phenomenally better than she did. Not that it’s race or you know it’s not trying to one up her. But it’s like i have to remind myself why why know what i’m doing is plenty even though it’s only an hour yes we had a fight or whatever it’s hard it’s hard to constantly remind yourself that i’m doing everything i can. I’m doing the best i can. I’m doing enough. It’s caso ask yourself. It’s interesting because it isn’t it isn’t just about you being enough and in growing up believing that we’re not enough and if that’s the theme in your life that’s something that needs to be rectified. Rectified like that sense of feeling like we’re not enough is because okay so i talk about original meaning’s i did this and actually today’s podcast. That went out today. I talked about forgiveness today and forgiveness from a state. That actually really does lighten you because forgiveness is just as much about us as it is about the person or the experience we’ve had so i come from a family of serious trauma when i was kid and it was really difficult to forgive some of the things that went down and to forgive the people so when you start to do forgiveness work you realize that it’s them and their original moments that are now playing out as adults so i talk about the original meaning of the original moment. It’s our childhood replacing meaning on our whole world around us. We have no conception of what this is right. It’s just as big foreign and we’re so rudimentary at that point with our own. Cognitive skill sets like we have none. Were developing them. That’s the meanings right so you look at me smile. I know that this is good now. I have a meaning you look at me. You look frustrated now. I have a meaning your facial expressions. The way that your body moves all of these actions and verbal verbal triggers. All of these contribute to my meanings. And then they perpetuate throughout my life so if that meaning the original one was that. I’m not enough. It’s gonna keep playing out till i resolve it and a lot of caregivers take from this space so caregivers usually find that others are dependent on them and they draw from that. The draw a phil from that. They feel like they’re good enough through that. I’m helping you. You need this. Therefore i am good enough sweetheart. You are always good enough. It’s funny because as adults we think. Okay well you know i was. I did all these things. I was good i was. We can rationalize as adults right. So i had this experience of my. Let’s say my parents both worked which this generation will experience this. My kids will experiences but Both both parents are working and maybe working a lot so as a child. I may see that. Because i’m in my rudimentary thought processes. I don’t have enough cognitive to rationalize us and go. Oh they’re doing this because they love me and they want to make sure that i provided for an all these things. They don’t do that. They’re in like simple thoughts like they don’t love me because they’re gone or i feel abandoned because they’re not here or i’m not good enough for them to not be here.
01:35:05 – 01:40:00
There’s a lot of things that play out from our childhood or that we experience in childhood that now play out for us as adults and then how we manage that through our own actions and what we do so the way that you see things going on with your mom has to do with some of the stuff in your childhood and the way that she’s responding so you’re mom sounds like she was a very. She was very much in control in her life the household. Yes his she. She was a stay at home. Mom which not a way called him back in the seventies but right she she was just a mom back then. Housewife was the terminator back. Then which. I know that the term now it’s terrible right because it discredits a lot of what happens in the home and the responsibilities inside a home and raising a family. There’s like there are many hats jobs that apparent takes that stays home with kids. But so your mom was very much in control of her life inside much. My dad was in control because he had control the finances right but she learned how to essentially manipulate that. And can you know. There’s a lot of control freaks. It’s normal because people are looking for power that they feel. They need to seek out so she felt she had that control and now she’s in a position where no matter what she’s doing she’s not in control. You have to hold my arm. I’m not in control. You have to tell me how to go about their. I’m not in control you you. You want to take these medications. I’m not in control. I don’t get to make that choice so for her. Everything is frustrating. I could. I can totally understand that in totally understand that that would honestly because it’s disempowering. She’s in a moment while in a stage. Not even a moment. she’s an stage. Now that’s disempowered and for you guys just giving and your your intentions are so amazing and you’re so wonderful. She doesn’t see it that way. Nope she has no power no power. She’s an disempowerment so it doesn’t matter what you do at all. There’s some things because she’s very host assi. She will ask other residents in the memory. Care or she’ll tell them now. If there’s anything you need you just let me know which one i hear i have to laugh internally because like really what are you going to do to help them you know because her you know her cognitive abilities to she does she wants so. We are at the point where because she moved in march three years ago and this is march essentially. I the reassess them every year. And i’ve tried to figure out if this is a good idea. This conversation has made me decide yet. Is i think. I’m gonna have the ask the director of the memory care. Have the staff give her little helpful things to do like he napkins on the table. The napkins don’t end up on the table. Nobody’s gonna get hurt. We just more napkins their cloths. Oh my there might be a few more few extras which i find some of those cloth. Napkins folded up in her dresser drawers. And it’s like it’s like we’re in the bath from like. Oh lord one of about one. That’s the only one i can think of. But it’s like if. I’m if i talk to them about giving her purpose of power somehow is maybe a better term. Maybe that’ll dial back. Some of the violent combativeness because she feels somewhat in control and then so think too when you’re with her. What’s something simple that you can do that. Lets her feel like she’s giving to you or that. She’s in control of the situation right. So same thing happens with kids. Which i’m good with and sometimes not but giving them only a couple options but where they feel like they’re the ones deciding and making the choice and they have the power instead of saying you. This you do that. I’m telling you you have to go. You know you have to set the table or you have to do whatever right instead of doing that. Give them some options so that they feel the power. They feel empowered in that moment so in those situations for her. Think of just little things you can do that. Allow her that power. I’m gonna have to think hard on that one was it in september when we visit her neurologist. Her neurologist is great spends lots of time with patients which is not what united states doctors have the ability to so she’s always very far behind schedule.
01:40:01 – 01:45:03
And i never know exactly how long it will take to maneuver my mom from whatever she’s doing in the residents in out the door into the car across the part i’m not up could take twenty minutes could dig in our Thankfully it isn’t taken our but it’s you know you don’t wanna be late to the doctor even though she’s an hour behind schedule so when i got there. I said she doesn’t wait patiently. I know the doctors always behind schedule. You tell me winch wind. Should i come back. We’re checking it now but take my mom across the the parking lot. Get to drink. So we walk into just basic hamburger restaurant not a chain Like a real family. Run a hamburger restaurant and i asked her. Do you want an or diet coke. Whatever you want you just go ahead have what. every i’m having. Nice t do you want. Diet coke or ice t. Oh it doesn’t matter. It’s like passive aggressive. Crap is enough to kill aged. Wanna make the choice but you know what. That’s great that you did it. Because i was just thinking like that’s a perfect example of okay. So we know we’re going to do this right like taking the medication or taking the supplements or whatever. She’s doing so instead of saying you know you gotta take these. It would be not the choice of you have to take these it was. It would be more. Do you want to take one of these now and one in ten minutes. Do you want ’cause she still has to take them late. So you’re setting it up. You’re still getting what needs to be done or what needs needs. You need to get across. But you’re giving her some options so that she feels. She controls that decision. Even though she doesn’t make the decision. Well i would keep trying without so in that case. Yes you’re right. She didn’t make the decision. But it’s exactly the empowerment option. You’re giving you know with the the choice of beverage asked her twice. Yep and just said you you decide. Well i it was like oh go ahead and you have whatever you want and i said while i am. I’m going to have ice tea. Do you want an ice tea or do you want diet coke. And then that’s when. I got while you know whatever you know it was just as passive aggressive non-answer. I’m like okay. Well i’m not gonna stand here and argue with you over the stupid drink. We’re going to so. I just got to ice teas and we sat down and i said you know. Here’s your drink. So maybe in her mind she did have control and she did not make a decision because she didn’t choose air be right but it wasn’t. He felt the freedom of it. That maybe that’s all it needs to because it’s like okay. So that was you know six six months ago and in those six months. I’ve been making the decisions because she doesn’t make make them. Maybe that’s making it worse just options even though like. Oh hey diane. It’s time to take your or. I’ve got your morning medication. Do you want to take it before breakfast after yup or oh okay. Yeah exactly like we have. It’s time take medications. Do you wanna take it now or do you want to take it after breakfast. ’cause you’re not changing the fact that she has taken it right right and you’re not telling her she has to take it cates. It’s time to do this. Do you wanna do it now or do you wanna do it later. Do you want this or this choice. Then at least this way she’s choosing something and she feels empowered. It’s interesting I learned that one technique. Actually that was really good. That came through some parenting courses. That i took I found a lot of it. I was like. I don’t know how to apply this. But that was one good one. That was one good one. How empower your kids or your adult adults that are moving more into a regressive state of childhood right how to empower them in moments that they don’t feel empowered because kids don’t feel empowered either. That’s true and they feel resentful and unheard and unappreciated when they don’t have a choice. It’s kind of like the same experience. Now that i look at it. I’m like that’s kind of the same experience really similar. But it’s hard when you know you give them an option and i didn’t say i didn’t walk into the restaurant oblivious and say oh do you want something to drink and a snack. Because that’s just. I mean that’s almost too abstract right well and it’s almost too many choices for normal folks which pay air quotes around normal so i you know and i go after you know my lunch meeting so i don’t need. I don’t need any more calories. I don’t need any more food. You know it’d be more than happy to take part. But i don’t so it was like do you want a or b and that’s what i did when my daughter was like to.
01:45:03 – 01:50:00
Do you want this outfit or this outfit. And we had very few arguments about outfits right and so it’s kind of the same thing but when they you know and i can totally see this might be the beginning of feeding the the combativeness without knowing it is. You didn’t make a choice. So you know. And i’m afraid that frustrating you by asking you to three times so now i’m just making the decision so i’m almost thinking back to that afternoon. Because it was pleasant she was. She did great at the neurologist. The whole day was pretty good because probably felt someone in power and then we had to go back to the doctor very beginning of this year. Twenty twenty and because of the stitches and the thing under her eyes. We ended up with going. Dr which was a joke and then she was having because she’s having so much pain walking. I’m like well. We got time between night author in the neurologist. So i’ll go the urgent care about pain and my husband texted me two thirds of the way this afternoon and i’m like wow what a great day what’s going on here but i’m gold medal in the caregiver today because any fight i wasn’t stressed i wasn’t i’m like i hate doctors his. They’re just a pain in rub me like. They gave her an eye exams. Like woman’s brain doesn’t process the visual input like we’re here for the thing under her. I was so frustrated. And i just laughed like okay give it. I exempt who you’re in state. Yeah energy was in a good style. Guess i need to figure out where to get that back. But because i know because my energy was good hers was good in. I actually outlasted her because she started getting frustrated about the sun. Downing time of day she gets starts to get a little bit obnoxious about three thirty four o’clock so identity cut my visit off before that time and the neurologist appointment was at three or three thirty so the neurologist got to see a lot of the combative noncompliant because yep after the appointment. My mom’s like i’m going back to my room now and she insisted on exiting to the right instead of exiting to the left where you’re supposed to exit and the neurologist tried to re director politely and kindly no. It’s this way my mom’s like you don’t know what you’re talking about. She stopped head like letter out the back door. And i’m like whatever you know. And i guess maybe because i knew they needed to see all that i was just like whatever way let it be day. I need more of those. A little bit of breath will help you in that too literally. Like we’ll just help you drop into that state so that you can be a little bit more in the flow of what is instead of the frustration of the energy. It’ll help her energy shift to. I wonder if two is. Because i wasn’t in control either. I had to wait for the doctors. They weren’t doing what i thought they needed to do. And i’ve learned the you just can’t argue with them in most of them. You can’t even you know. I tried to explain to them. Don’t ask my mom three questions in a row. Piss off well as she can’t process right. You know worry that much. It frustrates me that. I have to educate doctors on alzheimer’s but i recognize that i have to do that and and i try to tell them in a positive not like your idiot. You should know this kind of tone of which is that obviously go. What do you mean not gonna go. Well let’s just see how many people who is off. And i’m wondering now looking back in the day because i’m still amazed that we managed to get through all of that with pain and they put drops in awry. I mean like the whole day was just geared up for explosive combative rage. And we didn’t get any really. And i’m wondering if it’s ’cause i wasn’t as in you know it wasn’t me in controlling. Think about see. Why is this podcast. It helps me gotta help other people and it’s just it’s an i. I enjoy like these little light bulb moments in the learning because now obviously going to be thinking about that day at the free different doctors and the giving herp empowerment see high can figure out how to make that work in three days for. I go visit her again and see if we can have much better time this time and the other thing that popped into my head is. We were sitting outside on a bench so we were sitting next to each other and i need to sit in front of her so she can see me better the great. It’s like lightbulb moments.
01:50:00 – 01:51:38
I hope were. I hope we were able to give my listeners. Some light bulb moments today. There’s a lot in here. There’s so much that is true. It’s a very difficult thing to live with it because everybody every every person is different. Every brain is different. Everybody experiences alzheimer’s or dementia differently. So what works for me doesn’t always work for somebody else and the techniques psyche. Today of them never feel you need to do all of those in one day ever ever choose and find the things that work for you like if you find two things that have today’s podcast that will help you use those either hung in there with me the entire time or you play as you had time to listen and i really appreciate that. This is a really long episode. It was one that was recorded. Obviously right before my mom fell and broke her leg and then passed away. And it kinda got a little bit hidden in my files so bringing it up to you now. I hope is better late than never. Be sure to follow me on social media. I’m sure you’ve signed up for the emails by now. What else can i say. But share this episode with anybody. That’s got an extra couple of hours to listen. I greatly appreciate it. And there’s always. I’m always here for you and i will be in your ears again next tuesday.