Parenting Your Parent
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Approximately one in six millennials are carrying for a parent with alzheimer’s or dementia caregiving responsibilities. Are challenging at any age but compared with older peers millennials are at a stage of life. Can exasperate these challenges. The average age of a millennial caregiver is twenty-seven instead of focusing on their careers. This generation of adults is attempting to live in two different worlds. Unfortunately our society has not caught up to the challenges. This generation is facing. It’s important to discuss them so that we can begin to understand what situations need addressing. There are very few resources tailored to the younger caregiver. How can we support these caregivers better. What are their unique challenges. This conversation discusses some of them with a caregiver living that life. This episode is brought to you by caregiver. Chronicles and eight week online course covering everything from diagnosis through hospice for more information. Use the link in the show. Welcome to fading memories. A podcast with advice wisdom and hope from caregivers who have lived the experience survived. Tell the tale. Think of us as your caregiver. Best friend employees have joining me. Today is lauren and we’re going to talk about caregiving as a millennial and dating as a millennial caregiver so thanks for joining me lauren. Thank you for having me. So stelle me about you and your mom and i want you been taking care of her and just give everybody a little bit of background if you don’t mind. Yeah sure so. I’ve been taking care of my mom for about three and a half years now We noticed kind of few weird things before that but it took awhile course to get diagnosed as it always does and the first major thing was just taking over the driving and then it comes from there and now at this point i live with her and of course we’re in a pandemic so it’s just lots of fun Be so i. I’m her main caregiver. This point To help me so that i can work. My dad helps Watch her a couple days a week two but other other than that. It’s just me luna and you said you have two other siblings. Yes localish one is. One is in san diego so the opposite of the state for you. Yeah yeah not helps now. I m assuming your parents are not together correct yasser they’ve been divorced since Gosh it’s been. I think over f- fifteen years. Yeah i’m trying to remember when high school. Yeah so a long long time. Yeah and they actually get along better now than they did previously. You just so funny. I have another Another past guest who. She’s an only child. She put her dad memory. Care the beginning of the year that god for her for doing that and her parents have been divorced since i think the eighties. She said she’s almost me and she. She said the same thing. Her mom helps her with her dad or did when he was living on his own and then they get along now than they did before to of course his grade so that probably helps exactly the other small silver linings and not being able to remember things so definitely helps with personalities. I have one that could tell it quickly. ’cause i’ve told this story before but i have one story where it was like. Yes dementia wins my when my mom moved into memory care Is a little over three years ago. She had her dog with her and she’d been there about six months. And there was one resident. Who if she could see it belonged to her. She was the sweetest kleptomaniac. I would put my purse on the island. New not put it on the chair like in the dining room moms nails or something and because if she saw it she’s just grab it like she was sorted than i am and i’m five two so that’s not us not saying and grab it and like take off and then you’d be like fighting over this purse or whatever with her so she this particular day that my mom’s dog was hers and the dog literally was double what was an ideal body weight so the the med tax and the caregivers and the executive director when all put in this little come devised a program that the dog would go in moms room while she ate so that all the other residents wouldn’t feed her because seriously the dog was huge. I’m literally trying to shove the dog.
00:05:00 – 00:10:00
In my mom’s room and this little other residents. She’s like she thought i was stealing. The dog says she grabs my mom’s forearm to get my mom to help her prevent me from stealing the dog. My mom knew it was. Her dog seems very offended. And she said you know if you you know if you touch me one. More time i’m going to knock your block off and i was like oh raza goofy statement ladies. I’m like oh god we’re about to have an old lady fight and i don’t even know what happened. Though literally turn and shoved my mom out into the courtyard. She was so angry. She’s literally shaking. And i just in. Oh pitied her. Pity this other gal all her brain so bad just kept talking about you know. Oh know so sad her brain so bad bubble in literally in about two two and a half minutes. My mom looks through the windows and went. Oh i think. We’re having dinner as i already forgot i can leave and content is like a few times when you’re like. Oh thank god. Their brain doesn’t work so well act crisis averted. This like there was another time. Just to like digress on this topic a little bit the The same little old lady. I walk in her nose while i was there with my mom. We’re sitting at the dining table chatting. Or i don’t remember exactly what we’re doing. And she klepto gal comes over and plops a bunch of clothes over the back of the chair. I thought Monster all those are hers and then she walks away just got no pants on. It was like oh this is crazy but place. They took really good care of my mom. And you know occasionally there are some. There are some moments when they’re pretty entertaining you. Yeah i’m sure there’s so many stories like that like all the time there you know. Yeah one of these days. I’ll have to do a whole episode on like all the craziness that was only three years. We really thought she’d be there a lot longer. He’ll she had just turned seventy seven in january the march so she didn’t get neither one of my parents got to admi paternal grandmother’s one hundred and two. So it’s kind of like you guys did not. Yeah it’s insane. There’s times hundred kilograms. Yeah i don’t think i’d wanna last that long. That’s a little too much for me. She mentioned the day that we interred. My dad happened to be her ninety ninth for ninety nine th birthday and my sister at the time while i’m shooting for one hundred and five and i was so exhausted from him being on hospice caregivers in dealing with all stuff with my mom and this was like three weeks after he died and was was like. I’m so tired. Another fifty five years just mixing dining off just ahead of me than behind. No thank you you’re gonna make it to one hundred and five. She’s she’s having a rough summer. Yeah but one hundred two. That’s pretty dang. Good so yeah you. Can you become the primary caregiver for your mom just to get as a so surprise surprise. I’m the oldest child so to play into a very common stereotype. Yeah so. I’m kind of what is deemed the most responsible kid because i’m oldest and like i said earlier one of my siblings doesn’t live in town anymore and the other one is just had doing in some things so my mom She would go to my work every day. Because i worked at are still work kind of at a health club and my mom’s very very active. She does yoga and she swims like five days. A week And so i would see her all the time and when she started doing weird social stuff like she’d come in the office and like sit on my lap. When i was at my desk like and like my coworkers are my family. I’ve been there for like twelve. Thirteen years they all know her but it was like mom misses a little off. Can we not that Yeah and then. I started noticing after wral to that. Her driving or car is becoming difficult and she got in a couple little fender benders. And i was like you know what. Why don’t i just start picking up like until your car. Your car gets fixed. And i thought it was going to be a big deal for her. Because she’s very independent But she just went with it. So i think in the back of her head like she she was ready. She was ready to let it go. And just let me take over. So that went very smoothly. And then since then is just kind of snowballed. You do post a lot of videos of her dancing on post on instagram of her dancing. Correct and then i recognize. I was watching videos mike. I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a forty nine er hat on. I’m not a huge football fan.
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But i am in the san francisco bay area so not to be like pretty brain dead not to not to be aware of the football team. Yeah yeah. I’m not really into football anymore. Either but my mom and she never wore that thing before or at least like the first few stages whatever. She’s had that thing. Probably since she before. I was born when she moved to california but she only started wearing it and like two years and now she like will wear it everyday hot cold. Okay whatever you wanna do. Yeah i was when we cleaned out my mom’s room. She had a purse that i swear had to be as old as my daughter. Who’s almost twenty nine. It was healthy. And i hated that person so when we my husband and i went and cleaned her room it was. Oh so you’re going to keep this person like no and throwing away. ’cause bernard but it’s probably like cheap. You know vinyl and whatever we weren’t we’re not in like fancy fifteen hundred dollar purses. Yeah it’s weird. How they just some items you know. I had to actually take close out of her room because she had items that were too big women in you. Know i take did take a lot of pictures of her and video and stuff after awhile. My this woman is wearing the same sweater like every monday when i went and visited. Ask the staff and like she giving you a hard time about changing her clothes. Oh yeah she’s in inches gephardt. Timeout showers mike. Okay great so. She went from like two huge closets to this little tiny closet so in my mind it wasn’t a lot of choices. It wasn’t like overwhelming. And then our support group facilitator said in like get this. Get five of those sweaters on mike. Well we bought it several years ago. that’s not probably an option. Was it a good tip to like basil especially easier for men have the same. Like five pairs of pants all interlinked just all the same pairs of pants and shirts and you know little little harder to do that for women. Although i think you know time my mom got to that stage it was probably not a big deal to her would have been a big deal to me though so lose. We have things since she always do yoga swimming. All that wonderful stuff. Yeah yeah. She’s always loved the water. I mean she took us when we’re babies and i’m actually as my main is as a swim instructor so definitely bled into my latte lot And since the pandemic kinda started she hasn’t released swam. We did go a couple months ago. A friend offered their pool and so we went over there and she swam in. She was swimming so weird. It was like she forgot. What the do she slammed her head up like the whole time and this woman can do like butterfly backs like everything and she was like. Dolly doggy paddling. I was like oh boy concerning but she she was still in love with it and i want you put your your head underwater. And she was like. What do you mean i’m swimming. Okay whatever you wanna do just do your thing. So when was she said. He started noticing strange behaviors. That was a dozen years ago so it was probably like eight or nine years Is around the time. I was remember specific relationship with someone and she would. He was very tall and he always had scruff and she would go up to him like always touches face and like and she’s kind of like a flirty person just like very social butterfly and i’d be like mom. Can you not grab my boyfriend’s and every time she’d be like oh. When did you get a beard. And he’s like. I always have a beard. I don’t know you’re so yeah. I think it was about like eight or nine years ago and i and then just like and it was little things like that every few months or like six months or something. Riley happened at frequently enough where i was like. There’s something going on here. Like this is weird. I’ve had people tell me that they start keeping like a little journal of those kind of things. Gal did it because her other sibling was out of the state away of basically chronically what was going on with their parents because both her parents were diagnosed with alzheimer’s on the same day how about how yeah one of the founders of all authors. I don’t know if you’re familiar with them. But they’re fantastic resource for all things books and blogs for People either living with or taking care of me with alzheimer’s You can check that out later. But but her book turned into her first book. So it’s i know out that tip because it’s really easy to to dismiss certain things like my mom. We had a business together as she would take orders from clients.
00:15:01 – 00:20:01
Not right down due dates. We’ll didn’t happen very often. It’s easy to say. Oh well you know she got busy. The phone rang. Somebody else came in whatever you know. It’s easy but it kept happening more and more and all of a sudden it’s like this isn’t normal you know so it’s like in looking back. I wished i’d had known to write down those kinds of things that i would have a record has now. It’s like i don’t even remember. There was a day when i held up an order. Said you know what are we doing for lauren. And she looked at it she goes. That’s not my handwriting. That’s one of the employees handwriting’s and their handwriting wasn’t even remotely similar like you can pass both orders in no. They weren’t the same person. I was like I really wish. I remembered what your that was. Yeah in you’ve been living with your mom since september of twenty nineteen so almost a year. Yeah i kind of started moving stuff in on the weekends in august and then was like officially in september right before the fires starting further north in california than i am. So yeah you guys get to deal with all that stuff a little bit more imia prompted that decision just necessity So i mean now. I’m glad it happened at the time. It was really not excited about it understand. Many reasons highly stressful to anticipate that too. I’m in my thirties. And like a couple of years ago. I was ready to move out of state like a new chapter my wife and then this is complete opposite so i was actually living with my data at the time and i was paying rent. And then he wanted to increase my rent which is totally valid. What you can do whatever he wants. His house. And i just didn’t have a lot of money time. He didn’t know at the time that i was covering a large her mortgage like all this stuff that she wasn’t able to afford and so i said okay. Well i guess. I’ll just move in with mom and so i i moved in and yeah. It is not the first few months to be honest. So of china member. Wet what fires have last fall. Oh my gosh Has eighteen was paradise in the year before that was Campfire kincaid was the last one. I’ve been gray. Fortunately for us there started oldest blended together. I know right yeah. I know actually i was them. I usually plan a vacation for myself after summer. Because summers my busy season being assume instructor so on top of that i usually how sit on ninety german. Mom mom’s i had planned this little five day trip up to oregon and literally like three three hours. After i left town with a friend. We got notification that a fire started like within a couple of miles of my both. My parents okay. Great yeah so. That was a whole awful of me. So i don’t have. I did a redo vacation in february and then a a weekend away in march and then literally a day. After i got home than the quarantine started. I leave. Squeeze something in vacationed in two years. We were supposed to go. Why had a business trip plan to colorado. I swear this well. I kind of jinxed myself. But every time i have to fly into or through denver duck we went. Our last. real vacation was in toronto. June of twenty eighteen. We’re stuck in the denver airport for six hours and people now. Well you know the weather blah like it was june you’ll snow but just they have the weirdest weather where whether we’d but we were there. September twenty nineteen and we almost didn’t get out. And i kept saying i’m never flying into denver again because i’m really hate this. Yeah a business trip to denver which was the end of the second week beginning of the third week of march so that got canceled like literally a week before we were supposed to go. We’re supposed to go to redding. California at the end of april was going to hawaii for two weeks in june. No her you know. And then the day they’re like. Hey today was the day. The olympics supposed to start and they’ve canceled the rose bowl parade. I’m like i give up to the next leg six months. Then you know like just like to the end of february next year. The may week start over. Yeah i said the same thing recently. I was like if i could just sleep like they do in the movies. When you’re in space the pod and then you wake up. I was like i’m tired. This is insane and then you know we lot while like i said. I’m in the san francisco bay area so we locked down first and then governor did the rest of the state.
00:20:01 – 00:25:04
So you like a week behind us. We’ve had an extra week of this loveliness and they’re like oh we flat curve yay team. We did a great job. And then everybody went bonkers. The world knows what’s going on with california. They’re crow virus cases. So that’s no fun so let let me back up. Half a step is noticed that there’s fire going on terribly close to your parents house and you know. Your mom’s memory’s not great. That must be like triple terrifying. ’cause you know and imagine like i mean like at least with little kids if you have to you can just scoop them up and fling him in the car and run. Yeah we’ll do that with your mother ya and i was. I was nine hour or eight hour drive away. And so i felt it was the first time i ever panicked when it came to my mom. I i’ve always been like pretty calm in emergency situations like i lifeguard for many years work with kids babysitting now. Taking care of my mom always had that kind of caregiver role in so being eight hours away and not being in control of her. And the situation with super stressful. At one point. I was like what do i do do i do. I leave right now like like should i have some just go scoop up like what what it can i. I don’t plan which is terrible. Yeah i i like surges bullying. And i was like i. I don’t know what to do and finally my friend When my close friends happen to be with my mom at that time we had prearranged. Because i had set up all these things like rides activities and stuff of course and my friend was had just picked her up and took her to the gym with her and she said you know what. I’m just going to take her to my house. Said okay so. She packed like a tiny little tiny little gym bag would like one little outfit grabbed the dog and like left and then i got in the car and drove eight hours straight and got got to my friend’s house at like eleven thirty pm and then we got evacuated from her house at three or four in the morning and then i drove to santa clara so yeah it was a three hour drive. Yeah yeah two. And a half hours. The because i was in santa rosa point so i learned that my mom was already in the memory care so in. We moved her in the second week of march twenty seventeen so the campfire was urged. September’s late september. I think twenty seventeen and there was residents evacuated from assisted living and memory care residents. They’re down two hours and then it was like. Oh what do they do if she sounds like do. I need like an evacuation plan. You guys got that covered and was you know it’s a it’s a big enough company that they they basically said this is what we would do in case now where she was at is in. It’s like an neighborhood close to some strip malls and across the street from a middle school. So it’s not like we’re like on the edge of stuff. I didn’t really worry about it but the other were times then there was something now. I can’t remember is so much has happened this year. I’m when they there was something they thought they might have to evacuate them for now. I can’t remember what it was. But i do remember right off white when the Black lives matter protests started. There was that whole facebook rumors that people were coming into like rich neighborhoods. Which was my gosh. Not how i would describe my mom’s general area where she lived but yeah they were rioting at a walmart that was probably a mile and a half two miles from her residence. So i remember like a total panic and colleen executive director who has close with this team. I’m going on like that far from me as because you know it’s a really beautiful building and if create bullard the signing to do weird things it wouldn’t surprise me if it ended up down there but i think that up all being a hoax so yeah yes razi when you have to think about okay. We’re all gonna get on the bus now. And i can just see my mom going now. Yes no it’s barely. I’m sure you can relate. They’re a lot like toddlers. And the more you flush them the slower they move. Yes oh exactly. yeah yeah. There’s a fine line between like my mom’s times will butt heads because she’ll call me off. Elec- stopped talking to know like i’m a two year old like well. I understand that you are annoyed with my tone but this is the fourteenth time i’ve asked in five minutes leakage. You just do you know. Go to the bathroom or whatever. Tie your shoes or something. Yeah so as soon as she snaps and then it’s like a then it’s a whole nother thing to deal with because then she won’t do anything i would always get.
00:25:04 – 00:30:01
Yes my there. Yeah yeah no. You probably are aware of it. But i swear when you’re the adult child caregiver hang on how to even with alzheimer’s they’re not like we push that one button that urge to censor off because like she would say yes mother in. That’s not eternal voice still Literally can almost see like the hackles steady like in the not to like the deep breath. You know it’s just her reaction it’s like okay. Maybe try to word from her. And then you know you probably know about you but other times. Can you just do what i ask you. Do you sounded just totally. Yeah that’s my biggest problem. This whole thing. Which i never would have guessed is patients. I’ve been so patient my whole life. I mean again with like phasing With kids like being a teacher off that requires so much patients. I’ve had kids throw up on me. Pull my hair by necas. They’re scared and it doesn’t faze me at all and like one little comment from my mom and my really really. Yeah and sometimes. I’ll just like she’ll go into her room and slams the door and she’ll just be like you know muttering herself like my. Our house is very small and the the walls are thin. mike. I can hear you talking about. I know you’re upset but yeah is this the by that family dynamics are so funny sometimes is ridiculous. Now because i’ve seen people you know. Oh you know there’s been the the greatest honor of my life and it’s like okay. Must close must close instagram now. Before i responded in a rude. Because i felt like that and i’ve started asking people. Did you have a really good relationship up with your mom. Y’all we really did got it. i’ve never felt that way. That had a rocky years or rocky childhood. That’s like okay then. I’m not so nuts. I know totally. Yeah and i i. It’s like. I’m i’m glad i’m doing this and i’m glad i can give this to her like to help her through the end of her life however long that is but oh my gosh ya know the i mean. It’s not something if i could choose like tomorrow to have a caregiver here instead of me. I would probably choose that to be honest. Yeah it’s so it’s so hard and sometimes it’s it’s her to because of our family dynamics and i had a i mean we were pretty close. We had different phases. When i was a kid we were pretty close. But she’s very stubborn and brick denver and strict and so Yeah it’s not sunshine and roses for sure and yeah. I think i’m a little more positive. When i posted online at least as far as like instagram does and the dancing videos. But i think in my writing. I’m definitely a lot more honest about like our relationship and how it’s not really fun for me. Most of the time so no only not something. Most people would choose. Why whenever. I see somebody post things like. Oh this is the. This is the biggest honor my life. And it’s like okay. I actually had a online discussion with somebody because she interpreted and it was very interesting. She interpreted my facial expression in a video as angry with my mom. Did you turn the sound on. He’s saying like a sentence but it didn’t make any sense i did. Was you know like like hard to describe a half face for audio only and it mean i mike. How can you interpret that as kingery. But what’s interesting is. My mom went interpreted interpreted angry but she would interpret it negatively. That thought house really interesting because this total stranger. Now we’re just sitting facing a window at pete’s coffee tea and we’re just we’re sipping our drinks and my cameras literally popped up on the by the wind against the window and wear chatting and i put like a little clip and i thought i put the most positive of the three minutes and i thought this is really interesting because she would say things and i finally learned like way too late that it was his better to go along with what she said than to try to interpret and like decipher what. She was trying to tell me which i thought was more respectful. Like if i said something to you and you’re like Quite following her but let me try to catch up. You know you’re saying what the hell are you talking about. It’d be like what is she talking about. And as soon as i make that hof face instantly upset with me.
00:30:02 – 00:35:03
And sometimes i’d be like what. Oh wait nope doing. Nothing habit right. Because we’re that’s how we interact a normal life and then you have joa like retrain your brain to not do all these things you’ve always done. Just i’m still in the process of like an. I know i know all like go along with what she says. Whatever she says is not the reality. And i’m and. I am still working on biting my tongue. There so logical. It’s hard to correct. Yeah we need tried to correct her. I would just because. I learned the hard way that way like learn everything the hard way with her. Yeah it would be like you know. She would say like one day. This was like an early february. She was talking. And she’s you know eating a brownie and she’s like. Oh well my brothers in normal people. Now i’m like oh really okay. Glad only on able but were they think it’s not. Oh they’re normal now. What were they before because this is trying to see like where she would go the next thing you know. She’s talking about some woman with some kid and some other thing. And i’m like i can’t follow any work that way of like. Listen go one. It only took a half a second for that. Whole what’s ace. And she saw and she like she Irritated and lightest like you know backed off like like like i’d stuck or something it was just like i am going down this path today absolutely. I caught myself in. Her memory was so bad. I mean this was a six weeks six seven weeks before she passed away. Her memory was so bad as it was. I didn’t let her irritate me. And i as soon. As i made that face i was like whoops in so it was so short that early registered with her. So yeah it’s now. I think it’s harder for adult children. That one word caregiving than it is for spouses Found with all the people i’ve talked to. So you said you’re thirty two you’ve lived with your mom about a year and not married and you’ve gotta you would like to date. So how do we been that. ’cause holy toledo i think taking care of your parent is ten times more difficult to introduce to a potential partner. Oh by the way. Here’s my mom. Instead of oh well by four year old. I know right. Yeah oh gosh. I mean i. I struggled with dating before. This like i’ve the last like ten fifteen years. I feel like as real like the. The whole dating scene has changed so much With everything’s online now on their last legs organic connections being made which. I would much rather prefer like a lot of times. What happens with online. Like you’re talking to someone you have a great conversations sometimes you on the phone and then you meet them in person. You’re like no there’s no there’s no connection or vice versa. They’ll be like really terrible at texting. Like one. Word answers not timely. Whatever and then in person they’re great and like what is happening here So yeah now with the addition of being a caregiver and not only that like a lot of my time is dedicated to her work multiple jobs. I now live with her. Which is not the most ideal really come. Have dinner by the way. My mom’s going to eat with us like you can’t really have like romantic dinner conversation now the pandemic and so now we’re i can’t really like super limited so i’m trying but it’s definitely it’s been challenging for sure. Yeah i just can’t imagine it’s you talk about like own changed so much in the last fifteen years been married just under thirty one or anniversary september. So it’s like they didn’t have online dating. The newest latest thing. Back week met was videotaping. Took my daughter grew up with computers like east like tuna half years younger than you and you know. I didn’t i while i kinda did. I got my first apple computer. When i all my household did when i was a sophomore in high school so that was a few years of us back with a head like no color screen. Who are very tech savvy we upgraded an external hard drive to five hundred twelve k and know what it is not speak that would rock and roll and we were hot stuff or my. Gosh my how times change i remember. Dial left we would always like my mom would be like get off the computer. I need to make a phone call. I loved dial up in the during the holidays because like said we had a family business.
00:35:04 – 00:40:00
So i my daughter would be in school and i would get on line and with our little dialup computer. Were like one of the first broadband families in neighborhood so it was right around the time it was just changing so this must have been right before it changed and i would like quote unquote shop online. Which is a serious joke. Pre-and too good lord. Nam really making myself sound. Old bernie was nice because people couldn’t calming me and go. what are we doing with. So and so’s order. I’m looks like figuring out yourself. i’m. I’m on the computer and you can’t go. Yeah we’ll break from women would not be able to do video chats like we’re doing right now with dial up or whatever. It was broadband. Yeah there’s definitely pros and cons to it. I mean it is nice. And also i live in a very small towns. It’s like the people that are single within. Just my town either. Went to high school with and i’m not in. They’ve dated three of my friends or my. You know family members. Or i just know too much about them and i just know that we wouldn’t connect in that way or whatever so then i have to expand which is great like okay i can find some and just go then you also have to like i have to have the time and enough interest and vice versa to be able to meet up with that person and then more often than not it doesn’t work out like that person’s really not interested enough to dedicate driving to see me or meeting halfway all the time so this out quickly as another problem i would assume finding somebody to take care of your mom while you were dating him Yeah big challenge to yeah think thankfully Her now she’s okay. Like i can run an errand or something. She’s fine perfume she. She gets into things like she’s broken. A lot of compliances the vacuum cleaners. She she used to be very handy when she was younger and would should tiling in her house. And everything by yourself now. Also if she can’t figure something out like the buttons on the washer she will sit there and fiddle with it for like thirty minutes and end up breaking it off forever. So if i’m gone a little too. Long sometimes i come home my day have to buy another part for this thing so yeah more than a few hours of y’all be like. Hey dad can. I drop off moment daddy daycare. A little get is just good for certain about a time and then things start breaking it scott. We have three golden retrievers and my husband can leave his tennis shoes like by the kitchen counter. But if we’re gone too long like we were outlast like last night like curbside dining. Whoa that’s exciting five times not in but at a restaurant like five times this year which is insane on my fash And it’s like crazy We come home and the dog is like gotten auto socked the tennis shoes around. I’m like dude. If this dog up these branches going to beat you both with. They were fine all day. The dedham but then eight. You’re not here. I’m irritated chewing on your shoes. And he’s the reason it’s not like he’s a baby so i kinda yet. Somebody might take offence. I’m comparing your mom to a dog. But i’m i’m comparing notes can be gone before things. Get them yeah no no. I a caregiver that you’ve been fed. Like i compare her to like a toddler. A lotta times because of just behavioral stephan. It’s very similar. So yeah the the dog thing. It’s the same deal right. Like i only have one child into wasn’t chosen plan which she knows. This is not like earth shattering. Anybody my life and so i’m like well. I don’t know anything about raising kids but i’ve raised a puppies can’t be that different. And she was eating when we got our first eight week. Old golden retriever. And i don’t remember exactly how the dog was when my daughter looked at me and said you were hitting about raising me dog and mike. It’s pretty much the same theory. You know loving discipline it. She’s like this is kinda weird. My whatever weren’t new like have somebody help you start a millennial caregiver dating app. Because there’s a lot of you guys out there. I don’t know that like twenty. Five percent of caregivers are millennials. Yes yeah which is mine willing right. I can’t believe it’s that high.
00:40:00 – 00:45:12
And also when i sat down after i learned that working at a may other job that the company pays me to do. My blog is the local caregiving resource center. When i learned that such as and i sat down and i went. I literally went through my contact list. My phone like who do. I know that is in a similar situation and i made this listen. I had at least a dozen people. I personally know that are my age that are caregivers but nobody was calling themselves the caregiver. I’d never have recessions with them discussing this like they knew about my situation. I knew a little bit about. There’s but nobody was laid laying themselves. They just kind of did it and yeah so it’s crazy like it’s just not something people talk about or and there’s not a lot of resources for her age. I think there’s challenges at any age if you’re a caregiver But there’s definitely unique ones depending on the demographic of which you Fallen into yeah. The dating app for bruce millennial caregivers would definitely be helpful for sure. Why talk to Millennial caregivers that actually work for say home instead. Forgive me if i’m mistaken. I think And so they. I will send you and i will actually add today’s show links for this episode but they they actually have quite a few support services and they have a really big facebook page which cannot remember. Listen to the millennial caregivers other one other episode the announced for this one and we’ll share all those links between percents so that breaking get dial in his. It’s important i didn’t. I didn’t consider myself a caregiver until i googled looking for a support group because my dad passed away so it was like fifty and i was like you know the hospice people offer support group and i went to the support group but it might great. I’m giving these people solid making them feel better and i feel like because this other giant grief induced seen situation going on my life with my mother so my grief support on my dad. Okay you know might be beneficial. But i need help on this side. So i will know. Modern people doing googled. I think it was alzheimer’s caregiver supporter. Alzheimer’s support group or something like that. And that’s when. I learned about the alzheimer’s association. Which hello we don’t with my mom for this for twenty years last three and a half years of her life for me to find this group and it said you know. Alzheimer’s caregiver support group of mike wall. She’s in a memory care. So i’m not really a caregiver and i think it said in there like it. Basically said like. If you’re dealing with anybody with alzheimer’s your caregiver. The very first meeting that i went to the facilitator basically said you know it doesn’t matter if it’s part time full time their memory care they live with you. They don’t it. Doesn’t matter view family member with alzheimer’s eurocare. You’re like okay. He gets you know we just we have Like a mind view of what a caregiver is. And if we don’t fit that then i think when it’s your parents you know you’re not like a caregiver it’s just you know. It just needs to be done. You just handle it. Yeah they’re fan so it’s definitely a challenge. Isn’t it surprises me that i don’t know why it surprises me but i guess there’s a lot more millennial caregivers one there’s a lot of baby boomers. There’s a lot of you guys so might ranch as against skipped over and i guess because people had kids later Yes it makes says. How old is your mom She is she’ll be seventy and october. Okay so does. She have young onset. Alzheimer’s she was diagnosed. Okay yeah let’s do. You have any other family that has alzheimer’s or dementia I wanna say maybe like a great grandparents had dementia. I mean not. I ever met yeah so l. And actually my. My mom’s sister has dementia but a different like stemming from a different medical issues so you know. My grandmother had vascular. Dementia from an aneurysm that leaked and then maternal. Great graham also had what they call back in the day senile dementia. She died before. I was born so very much about her. But that’s what they call the back then so it’s like oh hey regenerate Exciting yeah it will not be the set kind of nerve wracking right is that you have that in the back. At least i do. I have that in the back of my head of like. is this one. I’m going to be having when older like that. I don’t wanna like worried about too much because that’s a waste of time. It also might. I don’t know it could happen. And i want to be at least prepared for not have like all these issues of you know burdens and responsibilities for the people that hopefully step up for me but yeah well.
00:45:12 – 00:50:01
There’s i just talked to a guy. His episode is not out yet. Least not as of this recording which is july twenty seventh about an alzheimer’s living will and so it’s similar will let like an advanced directive will kind of thing but it has very specific wording in terminology for people with alzheimer’s and that was it. That sounds like. Oh my gosh. That’d be like super depressing. The listen to is actually really interesting. Those kind of things you need to think about you know when we’re younger. Which is easier for you to say that me. Because i mean i’m like late middle age i guess because like most people know my grandmother’s one hundred two that gives me a few years to go but it was the way it came about was really interesting. So we’ll have to tune into that one. But i think your luckier. Because you’re young enough that hopefully you know they’re trying to find a cure by twenty twenty five. Maybe twenty thirty at this point. Because you know this year’s been like a pro. Yeah any any research or fundraiser. The this year’s has been away. It’s just been a nightmare. So because like i think about it and i’m like are they going to come up with anything like a A treatment or cure before. I’m like at the stage. Where i’m at more risk because my mom had young girls onset alzheimer’s as well she wasn’t officially diagnosed by sixty five. But that was her doing. Yeah i mean by the time she was diagnosed. It was like yeah. No kidding right you know not you know. I couldn’t possibly have figured out by myself. And it’s denying when she was diagnosed so she was like seriously mid stages so yeah she she. I think she knew for a long time. What was going on and she did not want to admit it. Which is i’ve actually written. An article from website on the term is named hope. I’m pronouncing it right egg nose-to-nose lia think i got it right. It’s like what you don’t know you don’t know wonder when she flopped from denial to the part of the disease where you don’t know where you don’t know we don’t know what you don’t know which you know i’d like some. It’s curious his she. Just you know pretended. It was wrong for a long time. It’s like yeah you know. It was really stressful for the family. And my dad had diabetes and other chronic illnesses. And it’s just. I think he gave up a really do his donate a kidney was failing which it shouldn’t have been because when you have a live Donor or it can last. Like twenty twenty five years. His lasted nine. So it doesn’t take very long this. You don’t have to be good at math to figure that one out. Yeah i think he just was exhausted and gave up which is not uncommon. So it’s crazy so this pandemic is over now. How many people you’re in sonoma’s us noma county. So i’m in. Yeah in the burqa. Living your city. Oh gosh It’s definitely under twenty thousand and we’ll say probably like fifteen or twelve or something that is really tiny. ’cause i live in a with sixty five thousand people which that sounds like a lot of people with this. Isn’t that big a town. Yeah i was just wondering like how far out do you have to go to fund. Some prospects might be a nicer way to put it. But i think yeah i mean then santa rosa’s like ten fifteen minutes down the road which is want to stay a over. It’s probably the one hundred thousand two hundred thousand people something like that. Yeah so there’s there’s people out and about but another thing too is like being thirty to a lot of people. I know my age are already married so or or they’re not into women so it’s like you know like which is great you know everyone thrown but Yeah i just feel like my options get narrower and narrower as time goes on and i just i don’t an in the people do me are just the dating etiquette the i’ve come across is just been awful like people just don’t know like basic decency and have a conversation or any of that and i just feel like half the time. I’m like interviewing someone because they’re not asking any questions or or they’ll tell me. Yeah actually. I don’t really want to be dating right now. Listen why why are you on a dating like. That’s how would you like okay. Whatever across the parking lot. That is really crazy.
00:50:01 – 00:55:06
Yeah happens all the time. Feel like because you’re taking here of your mom and working multiple jobs and juggling life and pandemic and everything else that you and you’re like you said know a lot of people your age already married or not interested in opposite sex relationships. Need like you’re because of your caregiving. You might end up not having like a permanent relationship. Yeah i mean. That’s definitely something i’ve been thinking about for a few years of like i’ve always pictured myself having kids and wanted having kids And i i’d love to do that with a a partner in a healthy relationship. But that’s not something i can necessarily control. I’m only fifty percent of that equation. So being thirty two almost thirty three because i would like to have at least one kid. Naturally if that’s possible. I don i thought about your alike artificial insemination at by the time on my thirty five thirty six but that’s only make three years from now and that seems crazy to me. So yeah. I don’t know i may just like adopt a kid or something. If nothing happens the next few years in just go about it that way. How would you handle that with taking care of your mom Wait i wouldn’t be in charge of her care all the time. High you to go in that room these out thank you. She’s tainted yeah so seriously curious to her way. We’re sitting there talking at the computer. Well she likes when. I’m on the phone or anything. She’ll come and stand next me ’cause she she’s social so she wants to be involved Most of the time. It’s like talking about anything weird or anything. So i’m like okay. I’ll just let you stand here but then sometimes like someone will say you know the conversation like random topics come up and then i’ll be like oh a guy on. Take it off speakerphone. For the longest time. I was very nervous about ever Making the statement that mom had alzheimer’s like at the doctor’s office where i mean even in an appropriate situation at alike you know over belli’s it. We all know what we’re talking about here. Because i heard. I think i don’t think it i finally gave up. ’cause i kinda got to the point where my i don’t think she’s. I don’t think she realizes it well. I thought was her best friend so fires her as mom. She didn’t realize it was talking about her. So once i put those little puzzle pieces together. It was then okay. Now i can actually say things about her and it won’t upset her because obviously i didn’t want upset her. The whole thing is i kind of feel like you’re just constantly chasing the changing situation. It’s not easy. yup. I think is a lot of it is like because we know the person were carrying. I like so well a new kind of like see the progression ever you. You assume a lot of things and but there’s always surprises like you can never really plan. You’re like oh well. That’s not how i reacted reacted all like. You just have to go with it. It’s so bizarre. It’s definitely i had somebody say we’re talking about limited. This pandemic and they referred to life has been like today is like an endless day. I’m like that doesn’t actually perfect analogy for all’s like taking care of somebody with alzheimer’s because it just seems like there are just days that just don’t seem like they’re ever gonna end and then the next day is so similar to the day before my taking care with alzheimer’s is a lot like living through the emigrate. Now yeah you guys that are still dealing with it. Where power to you. ’cause my i think my i swear this times like my mom was a lot like your mom is very independent and stubborn and you know she broke her leg in. That was basically the the beginning of the end. But i swear it’s like you know what craps coming down the line i’m out. Yeah no let you guys handle all that. They want to get really ugly. I’m done you know in reality. She was a lot further along in her disease than i was aware of. And i find that to assassinate him. Because you know it’s like how can you be in. I wanna say denial. But how can you be like unaware when we’ve been dealing with it for like twenty years. It’s like okay. Like when i would go to my support group back when we could actually go and it wasn’t online. Yeah i was always like the youngest person with the person who had alzheimer’s the longest in my guy win prize. Do i get you know my husband would make comments like. I don’t think mom’s gonna live as long as you thought. And i’m like dude. You don’t go see her. So i don’t know why you’re making. This statement is opinion based on what i’m telling you so langen that’s not really like super reliable evidence and i think she will live longer.
00:55:06 – 00:58:53
Had she not broken her leg. But you know it’s like one of those things where it’s like you know. Aunt jetty fell broker. Her hip two weeks later. She’s gone pretty much. What happened my mom had to eat. The you know the the care staff with they didn’t just basic. They did not tell me you know. Oh your mom’s forget how to eat. They just started feeding her. And i was like Okay and sometimes. She didn’t how problem and other times it was like the food is in your hand. Can you please put in your. It’s so challenging. Yeah no published. Let you go before mom comes in. It’s disconnect on ya. I know she’s i don’t blame her liar. Appreciate this but it. That’s listening that knows how to bake an app. We’ve given you a good idea. If there’s family caregivers in the united states and in twenty five percent of millennials i think that’s a pretty good market so yet i would create that if i knew how to i. Have somebody make my own websites. Oh yeah no. I’m not very tech savvy when it comes to that stuff so yeah anyone listening. Please let us know how we can do that. We’re still in lockdown silicon valley. They’re still working from home. So here’s a little side gig for you. People and it’s necessary is going to become more necessary so get on it. Yeah exactly so much. Yeah thank you. Well and i thought being a caregiver at fifty was a challenge. I know we’re driving to find a cure for alzheimer’s by twenty twenty five. I have a feeling there might not make that quite. That’s okay. we’re working on it until we get a cure or prevention. Let’s do what we can to better support all family caregivers but especially the younger generation. Who is going to suffer financially even more than the rest of us because they are beginning their caregiving journey at such a young age. Also hope people from silicon valley. You’re listening and you guys work on that app. If you haven’t done so already please. Please put your care team together today. I have an article on my website that talks about how to do that. It’s harder to get help in a crisis than it is to put a team in place early on also be as supportive friend and share this episode with anyone. You know that’s also a caregiver. And there’s always all be in your ears again next tuesday while i’ve got your attention. Let me tell you about the modules in the eight week online course from caregiver. Chronicles starts out with. What is a caregiver then. Educating yourself on the diagnosis caring for a sick loved one and observing your loved ones religious beliefs. how to live a healthy lifestyle as a caregiver vacating. The medical professionals understanding medication super important. Legal matters also important. The decision maker insurance community resources durable medical equipment when a caregiver is needed finding a caregiver placement in the skilled nursing facility or memory care. Residents family dynamics challenges and conflicts learning how to navigate. That is probably worth the entire fee. Then there’s home health hospice than planning for your loved ones transition. Be sure to check out. Their weekly live asked. Dr yvette anything. The link for that is also in the show notes.